Underground Grog Filter Beats – famous for the next 5 minutes

The latest craze for Underground Grog Filter beats has seen several bands rising above the rest like scum on day old coffee. In a good way.

Crustacean Inflation – Jeniffer Gestation takes the rabid crowds up one minute and then brings them down. Literally. The band laces free cocktails with Valium for that ‘mellow vibe’. Picking broken glass from your cheek has never been more fun.

You need to be pretty mellow to do this move.

Tits for Termites – Low voiced singer Mick Macweltenbrack shouts the lyrics to their hit ‘Brazen faced Dog People’ whilst keyboardist Frick LeRoo recites the periodic table.

Hasta La Vista Gravy – Singing from a bathtub full of gravy, the band wave porkchops and legs of mutton at the increasingly ravenous crowd before inciting them to feast orgiastically off their bodies. With no recognisable band leader it was left to promoter Denby Whatserwaller to yell, “But wait, there is no gravy” over and over again, while recording and looping the baying of the crowd. Expect to come back from the gig in someone else’s clothes.

Hasta La Vista Gravy: He's right there is no gravy. Oh wait, there is.

Donde Endometrium – Ex-microbiologist Flange Breathsaver knits tightly woven computer based blips and bleeps with the cooing of a whip-poor-wil and the noises of a cicada. Walking amongst the audience, he offers to tickle you. Don’t accept.

Flange Breathsaver: Seriously, don't let him tickle you.

Avant garde artist produces exhibition of ‘decent landscapes’

Zig's latest work, "The Cruel Fate Which Awaits"

“I was tired of doing stuff that no-one ‘got’,” said artist Zig. Recently split from his business partner Zag, Zig’s foray into classical landscape art has shocked critics and fans of his work alike.

Zig’s mum, present at the exhibition, described the work as, “Better than the time he cut off his cock and danced around with it.”

His Aunty Maud, also in attendance, said, “I think it’s very nice.” Although it turned out later she thought we were referring to the latest episode of Eastenders.

As yet critics have had a guarded response. “What does it mean?” said Bob Beerly from The GridIron. “I mean, is it an ironic response to society’s expectations? Is he making a comment on the fact that there is no such thing as the avant garde anymore?

“I think he’s a visionary,” says gallery owner Raquel Gruezenberg. “He’s clearly alluding to the fact that the pedestrian, the dull, the bland have now become avant garde as society becomes inured to shock tactics.”

Socialite Beedee Brock said, “Everyone’s waiting to see what the right interpretation will turn out to be. He’s either a genius or a no-talent ponce.”

“He’s a ponce,” said Zag.

The Landscapes of My Youth, an Exhibition by Zig can be seen at the Obvious gallery in Chelsea.

“Who is that Man and What does he Want from Me?”