THE MYSTERY OF NAPOLEON’S JEWELS

11 Jan

(Ep. 1 of the ‘Dammit Jane’ series)

statuette-figurine-buste-napoleon-main-dans-le-d

DETECTIVE LARRY ‘COP ON THE EDGE’ COTE (COTE): Dammit Jane! I must have missed something.

JANE: Have you looked through all the evidence?

COTE: Dammit Jane! Of course I have.

JANE: Even the balled up papers on your desk?

COTE: YES.

JANE: The old restaurant receipts? The hollowed out statuettes? That thing stuck to the bottom of your shoe?

COTE: YES, dammit, YES! [Breathes out heavily through his nose] Wait.

JANE: I told you that statuette was suspiciously light.

COTE: Dammit Jane! But the butler swore it was a gift from his mother…JANE! I’ve been such a fool.

JANE: Well…check it first.

[COTE Smashes statuette against the wall. A bag of diamonds falls at his feet]

COTE: I FOUND THE DUCHESS’ DIAMONDS JANE! JANE! I FOUND THEM!

JANE: So, will that be ham and cheese or a BLT for lunch?

COTE: Dammit Jane… you know I don’t eat ham!!

FIN

Eminent scholar with silly voice uses voice double

22 May

Professor Wipladle and his voice double Trannical Korset – the awkward moment after the speech.

Pluto Wipladle, an eminent scholar known for his work on the development of the outer lower medulla (but only on the right hand side) has complained of experiencing prejudicial reactions to his high, nasal voice.
Speaking through his voice double (who enjoys a rich, deep baritone) he spoke of the heartbreak he experienced when he tried to deliver his own paper at a recent conference.

PW through double:  I’ve spent 18 years studying the brain. I’ve been in line for the Nobel prize several times, and yet I was laughed off the stage.

(Hardened journalists begin to weep)

PWTD: You see? Just because this guy has an amazing range and vocal delivery you’re taking me more seriously. I can say without vanity that I’m probably the smartest guy you’ll ever have the good fortune to meet, yet I’ll always be laughed at and ridiculed the minute I speak with my own voice.

(One journalist, overcome with the pathos of moment, faints, and has to be carried out. Prof Wipladle is visibly incensed)

PWTD:  Look at him, (points at double) what has he got besides great hair and a voice like melted chocolate?

(Voice double shakes his head. A muttered argument ensues. A terrible whistling, shrieking noise issues from Prof. Wipladle’s mouth.)

PW:  I can’t believe it. What a diva! Am I right?

(All the journalists begin to lose interest and start leaving)

No wait, I’ve got so much to give! Where are you going? I just want to be loved!

(Someone hurls their notepad at him in disgust).

Journalist revolt at the sound of Wipladle’s whiny voice

Viggo Mortenson: poet, lover, quiche eater

6 Mar

Viggo likes to be one with the natural world.

Viggo Mortenson, star of Stubbly Elf-botherer, Naked Man at the Russian Bath, Ex-Mobster Shoots Man in Diner, and more, has ‘come out’ as a writer of poetry.
“The prospect of having someone of Viggo’s profile as an ambassador for our art-form is very heartening,” said Rodney Blatchweaver‘s mum Muriel. “Now maybe more people will take Rodney seriously.”
With poems like Ennui* it seems that Viggo is set to take the arts world by storm.

Ennui*

Stare into the mirror
Who am I?
Diner Guy?
An Elf lover?
A naked wrestler?
These questions haunt me
As I stare into my beautiful eyes
And run my hands through my
Thick, lustrous hair –
Consolation.

“If there was an Oscar for poetry, Viggo should get one. Now, when I tell people I’m a poet, they no longer laugh in my face. Thank you Viggo!” said Rachel Bucktoof.

We asked Poet Laureate Inigo Yelp to comment on Viggo’s longterm influence on the form.

IY:    Who is he?
Q:    . …! A world-famous movie star.
IY:   What’s he been in?
(We explain)
IY:   Naked wrestling, eh? I’ll have to take a look at that. What was the question?
(We explain)
IY:  You should be writing about Rodney Blatchweaver. That young up-and-comer is making waves in this town. He’s going to put poetry on the map. What was the question?
Q:      ……..?!
(We explain)
IY:   Hmm that’s a tough one. What’s his work like?
Q:     Powerfully understated and tinged with a melancholic awareness of man’s fleeting mortality.
IY:  Give us one then.

Q:   (Reciting from Viggo’s book Blasphemy of the Soul :)

Why?

Why must I lie?
I should be in nature
One with the sparrows
Instead of pretending to kick
Some guy’s ass nine ways to Sunday
Pretending to psycho-analyse beautiful women
Pretending to not be upset when I don’t get nominated.
Irony cuts deep
Like that time I went fishing.
The honest trout
Has no silver tongue
His scales help him to swim faster
Not get women to sleep with him.
He. Is. No. Liar.

(A long silence ensues)
Q:    I’m probably not putting the depth of feeling into it that Viggo does.

(The silence continues)

IY:  I’m speechless.

Neurologist plugs new book on Dreams: The Significance of the Himalayan Griffin Vulture and other Dream Symbols

14 Feb

The Himalayan Griffin Vulture at rest

 

Neurologist Raymond Gentzer has spent a lifetime recording and analysing  other people’s dreams. We spoke to him about his latest book revealing his findings.

 

RG:   It’s a tough job. After all, nobody likes to listen to other people yapping away about their dreams. They always go on forever.

Q:    Then why write a book about it?

RG:    Why else? People are suckers for the whole dream symbolism malarkey.

Q:   You sound a little jaded.

RG:   Do I?

(Gives bitter laugh)

Q:    What about your own dreams?

RG:    I don’t dream. In fact, I pay copious amounts of money to my therapist so that there are no unresolved issues troubling my subconscious.

Q:    Not even that one where…

RG:    No.

Q:    You know where…

RG:    No.

(He sneezes and a cascade of bubbles fly from his lips, floating away)

Q:    Tell us about the book.

RG:    Well, over the years there have been a small percentage of dreams which were interesting.

(Twirls long pink moustache whilst juggling a diamond corn-on-the-cob) I’ve collected them here.

Q:    Can you read us one?

RG:    Very well. It might sound familiar.

‘I dreamt I was in Gerard Depardieu’s house. I was there to collect some candles for another part of the dream. His bum was younger than his face. I followed Gerard up the stairs thinking it was quite strange that he lived on my street – I’d never noticed him round the local caf getting milk or anything. He had a nice house – lots of oak panelling. I felt under-dressed for the occasion. I was nude.’

This dream clearly indicates deep-set sociopathic tendencies…

Q:    Wait a minute! You put that in the book? That’s my dream!

 

Raymond has begun to hover a foot in the air whilst tiny rabbits gnaw his body, looking for earwigs made of hard rock candy. Suddenly, he, and the rabbits, are attacked by a hungry pack of Himalayan Griffin Vultures.

“It’s only a bloody dream isn’t it?” says Raymond resignedly, as the vultures peck at his bones.

Gerard Depardieu, fully clothed, undressing you with his eyes.

Olympian taken hostage

9 Aug

Caption: The Stormwanglers make themselves at home.

Lepido Rangus, the gold medal winning tri-bi-athlete (tri-bi-athlon: the event in which the athlete rides a horse through 7 feet of water, then shoots it, then uses the gun to pole vault over a trench filled with boiling oil, culminating in the final stretch which involves carrying 2 buckets of pebbles across a wavering tightrope) was surprised to find his mansion in Islington filled to capacity after his win on Saturday.

Caption: Rangus and his horse, the late Fingle Root Basket Bunny Drawers

In a bid to draw attention to their cause, The Stormwanglers, the art group responsible for the recent demonstrations against the Olympics outside the Olympic village, have set up a squat in the sporting icon’s home.

Crispin Flintbiscuit, the leader of the unruly bunch currently disporting themselves in Rangus’s living room, made free with his tea, raiding his rigidly ordered ‘carbohydrates cupboard’.

Q: So why the party atmosphere? Previous demonstrations have been violent and unruly.

CF: Oh, there’s nothing more violent than arriving uninvited in someone’s home and taking up residence. Trust me, this will hit the establishment where it hurts. An Englishman’s home is his castle and all that…

LR: Excuse me, are you…are you one of them?

CF: Ignore him. Can’t you see we’re conducting an interview here?

LR: An interview? (Brightens slightly, his look of confusion clearing a bit.) Is it about my medal? I can show it to you. Well, I’m wearing it. (Smiles shyly, pulling medal out from shirt.)

CF: Witness this disgusting display of the elitist artefact! With our country in a recession…! It’s a crime against humanity! And anyway it’s horribly gauche.

LR: (Looking sad) I suppose so. Can I offer you some er…tea? I’m afraid I only keep skim milk.

CF: Get out of my sight you scion of the lumpen troglodytes!

LR retreats to his room.

Q: Why did you pick on him? Surely Chris Hoy or Victoria Pendleton…

CF: Have you seen Hoy’s house? It’s a disgrace. Barely room to swing a cat, never mind 17 people. Besides, he had security. Here, I have room to spread myself. Rangus keeps Egyptian linen.

(There is a pause as he considers the pleasures of LR’s luxury bed sheets.)

Q: (Clears throat suggestively)

CF: Oh yes, and also about the er…barbaric nature of sport, of course…

Q: His sport is controversial; after all, the shooting of the horse is a terrible…

CF: No, any sport. It’s a barbaric waste of human resources and endeavour. If we could plough all that effort into art, which benefits everyone in so many ways, especially our latest project which only needs a tiny infusion of cash…a mere £50000 to get it off the ground…

Q: You’re protesting that there isn’t enough money going into the arts?

CF: No, I’m protesting that there isn’t enough to go into MY art.

At this, the party gets even more raucous with Lepido Rangus, weakly protesting, being carried along by a swarm of demonstrators into another room.

CF: You should leave. There’s some bacchanalian shit about to go down.

And with that he slams the door on the media. Shortly afterwards the weekly paper News Curl received a ransom note of £50000 for the beleaguered athlete. However, as Rangus himself was spotted in the local Sainsbury’s shopping for supplies, it is said to be doubtful that anything will come of it.

If you’d like to support The Stormwanglers in their demonstration against the Olympics, go to www.olympicssuckabigonegiveussomemoney.com

Bang My Buttocks win bid to re-brand ‘Boring old Olympic Games’

29 Jul

Vin Diesal does the honours in gold dust

 

Esteemed theatre production company Bang My Buttocks have begun preparations for an ambitious project to take place during the Olympic Games. Actor/producer Dave Straddleface spoke at a recent soiree given by socialite Talulah Funnybuns.

“The idea is to train the actors in various Olympic sports and have them actually compete alongside the athletes. In fact, we’re looking into the possibility of replacing all the athletes with actors and really going to town on the musical numbers. Imagine the 100m dash as an extended monologue with high kicks and jazz hands. The Mayor really wants the Olympics to deliver entertainment-wise. Frankly I’m surprised the event has survived as long as it has. I mean, have you seen the costumes from previous years? Rank amateurism.”

Q: What about the pure satisfaction some people are said to derive from enjoying sports for sports sake?

(Both enjoy a hearty laugh)

DS: Very good. But seriously, it’s high time a professional company took this outdated event in hand. I mean, who really cares if someone can run really fast or jump really high? What’s the point of swimming a half second faster than someone from a war torn Eastern European country? But when you add meaningful lyrics, an operatic score and 50 performers juggling fireballs you have something that’ll really knock the world’s socks off. Most people I know only ever watch the opening ceremony, after that it just goes downhill fast…and then someone gets a medal!

Q: Speaking of medals, how do you foresee your company taking that on?

DS: Everyone likes a bit of bling. We’re planning on having a major celebrity ritualistically immolating themselves in the flames of the Olympic Torch…and then rising again from the ashes covered in gold dust. The competitors will then lick the gold off the celebrity, thus ‘ingesting’ their awards.

Q: Won’t the celebrity be harmed in the process?

DS: Apart from having baby soft skin, not at all. It’s all an illusion. We’re powering through the fourth wall and into the future of sport, and it’s a future with baby skinned celebrities and gold dust.

 

The All Singing All Dancing Olympic Games will be hosted by the city of London, 2012.

Playwright slams own work as ‘derivative drivel’

26 Jun

Artie Gimlet prepares for a night of light entertainment

Playwright Artie Gimlet’s new play, ‘Pretension’ has had fans flocking to the theatres.

“Everyone is hungry for irony these days. They’ll do anything to get a fix. Pretension is the perfect high for our generation of sneery scenesters who speak in dead sentences.”

Gimlet’s over-elaborate dialogue is delivered in a purposefully deadpan and uninterested tone, as the actors try on an endless series of Urban Outfitters clothing. Gimlet himself heckles them relentlessly from the orchestra pit, screaming, “Where is the music?!”

Actor Todd Winklebun spoke to us about developing the play.

TW:     At first it was pretty disconcerting. Especially when my mom joined Artie in ‘the pit of shame.’ Artie was pleased that she so deeply understood the concept but there’s a part of me that thinks she was still pissed about that time I trashed her car.

Q:        Do you think our generation has, and will, spawn a society of heartless automatons who are only as real as their latest Twizler update?

TW:    Um, I’m not sure how to respond to that. There are light hearted moments in the play. When my character tries on his seventh pair of low crotch skinny jeans he says, “I’ve seen things.” I like to think that whatever they were they were, they were nice things.

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