Archive | January, 2012

‘A Hole’ underwhelms at Slate Modern

30 Jan
Drawing of art installation

A Hole (allegedly)

Jeremiah Beetlebaum’s latest installation was ‘revealed’ yesterday: a giant hole.
Audience members who came to view it at the Slate Modern complained that they couldn’t locate the piece.
“Of course they can’t,” said Beetlebaum. “It has no borders or boundaries. I’ve punched a hole through the walls of perception – the possibilities are infinite.”
Q: How long did it take to build the hole?
JB: Time is a meaningless concept. I no longer recognise it.
Q: For the benefit of those of us who still recognise it…
JB: About 3 and a half seconds.

The Slate paid £4 million for the piece, which allegedly stands in the huge turbine hall.
“Hundreds of people walk through The Hole every day,” says Timothy Rearbladder, curator, “Without even realising it. There is something deeply poignant about that. I think it speaks to the human condition.”

We took a survey of responses to Beetlebaum’s seminal work:
99% didn’t know who Beetlebaum was
0.2% thought they might have seen the hole
0.4% were looking for the restaurant
0.4% saw the hole as an existential commentary on the futility of life,  although admittedly this was after we suggested it to them.

The Hole will be at a number of destinations simultaneously. 


Mental Mutilation booed off the stage

30 Jan

Allana Muddlepooly's controversial demo cover

Country folk singer Allana Muddlepooly disappointed the crowd of death metal fans in attendance at her latest gig.

The fans blamed the singer for ‘false advertising,’ and ‘misleading them with an inappropriate name.’

“I would have understood if it had been World music,” said one irate patron, “But not this Anais Mitchell shit.”

As the singer retired after being pelted with gimp masks and nipple rings, she was shaken and in shock.

“It started out as a spelling mistake. Originally I was calling myself Gentle Mystification, but after accidentally ordering 300 copies of the demo with Mental Mutilation on them I decided to go with it.”

The artist is currently recording at her studio in the Cotswolds.

“The good thing is that this traumatic experience has given me plenty of inspiration for my next album. It will be full of the same soul searching and tear drenched lyrics about my cat, Puffball.”

Mental Mutilation’s next album, I love my Pussy, will be released in September from Ailing Cod records.

Artist legitimises stalking

26 Jan

Deemer in action: collecting for his 'masterwork'

Artist Bobby Deemer has collected underwear from all the women he has never slept with.

“There are more pairs than you might think. Obviously I had to keep it within the bounds of reason. It had to have been women I’d actually encountered.”

Q: How did you obtain these undergarments?

BD: It was difficult. Some of the women worked from home, like journalist Sally MacDitz and Jules Brennan, a writer. (As an aside) Her stuff’s not that good. One of them was partially blind so that helped. But in most cases I just took it from their washing lines.

Q: What do you say to people who accuse you of being a twisted pervert?

BD: If I was a mere layman getting his kicks by watching these women – ‘stalking’ them if you will – I would be calling for the toughest judiciary measures. But the difference is that I’m an artist. I’m elevating the act of collecting these women’s lingerie into something far greater.

Q: Far greater than…?

BD: Exactly.

Feminist author Gadji Phenomena responded, “What a load of balls. I know for a fact that he also made videos of these women getting undressed. Why wasn’t that in the exhibition if it’s so elevated and conceptually sound?”

“The video is for another exhibition I’m doing called, The Mystical Vulva, which I’m going to invite Ms. Phenomena to curate,” Deemer explained.

“Oh, that’s alright then,” said Phenomena.

Gallery owner Tailor Anorak said, “Well, let’s be honest. We’ve all done it haven’t we?”

The exhibition, We’ve All Done it Haven’t We? is on for the next month at the Anorak Gallery in Basingstoke.  

Avant garde artist produces exhibition of ‘decent landscapes’

25 Jan

Zig's latest work, "The Cruel Fate Which Awaits"

“I was tired of doing stuff that no-one ‘got’,” said artist Zig. Recently split from his business partner Zag, Zig’s foray into classical landscape art has shocked critics and fans of his work alike.

Zig’s mum, present at the exhibition, described the work as, “Better than the time he cut off his cock and danced around with it.”

His Aunty Maud, also in attendance, said, “I think it’s very nice.” Although it turned out later she thought we were referring to the latest episode of Eastenders.

As yet critics have had a guarded response. “What does it mean?” said Bob Beerly from The GridIron. “I mean, is it an ironic response to society’s expectations? Is he making a comment on the fact that there is no such thing as the avant garde anymore?

“I think he’s a visionary,” says gallery owner Raquel Gruezenberg. “He’s clearly alluding to the fact that the pedestrian, the dull, the bland have now become avant garde as society becomes inured to shock tactics.”

Socialite Beedee Brock said, “Everyone’s waiting to see what the right interpretation will turn out to be. He’s either a genius or a no-talent ponce.”

“He’s a ponce,” said Zag.

The Landscapes of My Youth, an Exhibition by Zig can be seen at the Obvious gallery in Chelsea.

“Who is that Man and What does he Want from Me?”

Post Nu Nu Seethe Pop sounds

25 Jan

Here are today’s listings. Please bear in mind that in order to qualify as true Post Nu Nu Seethe Pop the bands in question would have to cease to exist before their own ironic remix of a re-released cover of their first recording has been uploaded onto their websites. These means that obviously all of these bands are now defunct. However you might still be able to catch them at a bar in Islington.

Residual Holocaust – Bass player Drake Blitzxer’s electrifying set consisted of only one note and a beautiful Asian girl zipping and unzipping her American Apparel hoodie.

Jon Jon JupitronOrigami or Orgies? Origami or Orgies? Origami  or Orgies? Origami  or Orgies?  sang Space Diva over the sound of a mountain stream.

People I’ve Eaten – Ludwig Avelhorst used his time as an Opera singer as inspiration for their track Pavarotti Ate People Too.

Pig Bunions  – with nearly invisible guitarist Po Bales blowing his melodica and with pretensions towards folk amphetamines styles, Pig Bunions’ set consisted of hurling buttons into the audience and eating bacon sarnies.

Next week: Underground Grog Filter Beats

Feature on artist Sonia Tit-Wently: Disassociation and the Digital Age

24 Jan
32 eyelashes

32 eyelashes

Tell us about your new art exhibition.

ST:  Lately I’ve been concerned about how fast my brain processes new information. As soon as I got the new I-Phone my brain activity increased by about 300%. It’s the same with everyone.

Q: Exactly.

ST: So I’ve taken to doodling my impressions in order to slow down my life, to really grasp and scrutinise each second. When we talk to people we don’t even look at them anymore. I don’t even remember new people. People I’ve known for years have been reduced to a Facebook status. But when you draw someone you really have to LOOK at them.

Q: You’re making me feel a little uncomfortable now.

ST: Exactly. Because I’m really looking at you.

Q: Can you look at me from a bit further away?

ST: I’m interested in your discomfort. Your brain can’t handle the intimacy of this exchange. A simple conversation is becoming traumatic because you’re so unused to making eye contact with another human being.

Q: My God, you’re right.

ST: You’re welcome.

Sonia Tit-Wently’s new exhibition of doodles can be seen at the Yes! You’re Looking at it! Gallery in Brixton.

Poet Rodney Blatchweaver on street sweepers and prostitutes

23 Jan
beat poet

Tortured recluse

We spoke to poet Rodney Blatchweaver, a writer who describes himself as “leading the tortured existence of a recluse who unfortunately is too popular to enjoy a sheltered life.”

Q: Tell us what drives you as an artist.

RB: I love that question.

Q: (After a minute or two) is that your answer?

RB: Is that your question?

Q: Is THAT your answer?

RB: That’s up to you.

Q: Thank you.

RB: Don’t mention it. The point is not to apply your own meanings to your work, after all, poetry is subjective and meaningless beyond what the reader applies. I often ask street sweepers and prostitutes to read my work so that they can reveal to me what the true meaning of the piece is.

Q: Have you ever performed your work?

RB: No, I’m rubbish at reading.

Q: What did your new work Barracuda Phosphorous* mean?

*Barracuda phosphorous

Jim jam baloney

Tastes like that new flavour of marmite

RB: According to bricklayer Tom Ludd it was, (making quote marks) “shit.”

Q: How do you respond to that?

RB: He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Rodney’s numerous publications include Bravo the Heimlich manoeuvre, Eyebrow Catastrophe, Holding Only One Ball, Things I Imagined while Sleeping with You.