Archive | February, 2012

Shockwaves as Justin Bieber found to be only 2 foot tall

25 Feb
Justin Bieber shock revelations

Justin Bieber with Rihanna - the 3 boxes he's standing on just out of shot

Hundreds of Biebettes were cast into despair amidst recent revelations that the pop behemoth is actually more of a midget.

The pint-sized singer and his team have been using a complex series of mirrors to create the illusion of height.
“Even then they only managed to make him seem 5.5 ft,” said celebrity insider, Mink Muffty. “They’ve closely monitored his TV appearances using step ladders and boxes, and at live performances people just thought he was further away than he was. Much further away. With teeny, tiny doll-like dancers behind him.”

Worse news was to come. The star, thought to be pre-pubescent, is actually 35-years-old.
“He uses the same special effects make-up team as George Lucas with the Star Wars movies. I bet you thought Anakin Skywalker was a 7-year-old. Guess again,” said Muffty.
As legions of young women tore their hair and rended their garments, the unrepentant Bieber issued a defiant statement.
“I regret nothing. In fact, I’m glad the truth is out. And ladies, I can still reach the important stuff. Come to Daddy!”
“I can’t believe I used to think that was cute,” said Muffty.

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Critic finally bucks trend and directs film

20 Feb
Tar Babies from galazkapan

Movie poster for Tar Babies from Galazkapan

Esteemed critic Brent Durwood jeopardised his career by writing, starring in and directing a feature film, Tar Babies from Galazkapan.

“I was tired of writing reviews and having the directors, actors or writers tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about…the old adage, ‘those who can’t do, critique’ was constantly being thrown in my face. So I decided to put my money where my mouth was and produce an ‘outstanding work of staggering genius’ as my friend and fellow critic Zac Hooverball from the Daily Bleat put it.”

At once surreal and futuristic, the review boards and critics seem to be (apart from several known friends of Durwood) at a loss for words.

An insider at the Telegum whispered, “Of course no journalist wants to touch it. He’s done what most of us only dream of doing. To quantify how good or bad the film is would be to admit that there is a reason why some people are artists and some people say mean things about artists. The whole system would be thrown into disarray. Chaos would ensue.”

We caught up with Durwood at the launch party for the film, at which very few journalists were present.

Q: Why do you think most journalists have been so reluctant to comment on your new film?

BD: First things first. What did you think of Tar Babies?

Q: ……I thought the use of real babies covered in tar was a controversial choice.

BD: Yes, well one has to make those sorts of choices when creating a film that aspires to be more than your run of the mill Hollywood pleasing schlockbuster.

Q: The film appeared to straddle a number of genres…

BD: (Nods head vigorously) I used my encyclopaedic knowledge of cinema. I think you’ll find that Tar Babies is the only film which embodies every genre in the history of movies.

For instance: babies covered in tar – they do that in some parts of the world to albino children – documentary. It’s set in another galaxy…

Q: Galazkapan?

BD: No. That’s the planet. (Awkward pause) Science fiction.

Lead character Blane Jawbone has to shoot his way out of the Eliptikon stronghold – Action/adventure. The female lead, Jane Bustworthy, is a feisty non-conformist from a military background – Feminist/war movie. I could go on…

Q: An ambitious project. Would you say that it has left critics somewhat at a loss?

BD: I can only imagine that the piece has proved too challenging for them to grasp. Although I think they’ll find my next film Cat Burglars from the Eternal Beyond easier to swallow. I let myself have a little more fun with it. Once Tar Babies breaks all box office records as an outsider-crossover success, the pressure to prove myself as an actor/writer/director/auteur will be over.

Finally, I’ll be able to make the films I always longed to see.

Q: Will you be using real cats?

BD: Oh, yeah.

Tar Babies from Galazkapan will be playing at the Rickety Theatre in North London for a limited time only. 

Lovliballs Writers: Tell All? Are rumours of infidelity and deviance unfounded?

14 Feb
Book with It was shaped like a question mark title

Jennifer Keunt's It was shaped like a question mark - at all good bookshops

 

Writers Jennifer and Tristram Loveliballs’ acrimonious divorce has long had the press frothing at the mouth in response to wild rumours of key parties, dodgy salsa intrigues and cabana boy lovers.
Now both authors have reportedly written their version in thinly veiled fictional accounts. Far from clearing the air, the writer’s refusal to admit to any biographical content has only served to muddy the waters even more.
We spoke to the agent representing the two authors, Basil Baldworth.

Q: Isn’t your continuing to represent both parties a conflict of interests?

BB: Not at all. I’ve known Jen and Tris for years. I was at their son’s Barmitzvah. Besides, they both know my first loyalty is to the agency.

(Gives shark-like grin)

Q: How would you describe your client’s latest works?

BB: Both Lovliballs… (pauses while assistant whispers something to him) sorry, Ms. Keunt wishes to be known by her maiden name from now on. Both clients have written searing work(s) of emotional honesty.

Q: Emotional honesty? Is there any truth to the rumours that these accounts are stark representations of their marriage?

BB: I would be a terrible agent if I either confirmed or denied that. I will say that, like all writers, they drew inspiration from their own lives…

Q: Like the part where ‘Blistram’ is caught by ‘Juniper’ in a three-way with two doctoral students and their son’s Norwegian au pair?

BB: (Spreads hands eloquently)

Q: Or when ‘Blistram’ reads ‘Juniper’s’ emails and discovers that he is not the father of their son, and that, in fact, ‘Juniper’s’ agent ‘Harry Hairworthy’ is the boy’s true father?

BB: What? Where did you…?!

Q: Advance copies of Tristram’s book were sent out to the press by his new agent Jerry Mills of Mills, Boone and Crumble.

Unfortunately, Mr Baldworth was unavailable for further comment.

 

Oh The Lies by Tristram Lovliballs and It was Shaped like a Question Mark by Jennifer Keunt are out in bookshops and online from Monday.

Singer/songwriter Jula Tahini defends ‘inexplicable’ lyrics

9 Feb
funny picture of singer

Jula Tahini in one of her more restrained outfits

At a recent press junket for her new album, Twisty as Fusili, Tahini spoke out about the pressure to write good lyrics.

“People don’t understand how hard it is to produce a decent song, never mind writing okay lyrics. To be honest I really didn’t think anyone listened to lyrics these days. I mean it’s not like it’s the 60’s anymore. These days artists don’t have to pretend to care about issues. Even Bob Dylan hasn’t listened to his own lyrics in 20 years.”

The problem started when Tahini fan groups started a Faceboom page called Shittest Lyrics by Jula Tahini, a page which now boasts over 8000 fans.

Top selections include:

My mom is a strudel – “My mom is a strudel/ a strudel is she/ My mom is a strudel, I’ll have her with tea…”

Repeat this – “Repeat this. Now repeat this. Say you’ll repeat this. Okay thank you. (chorus)”

Bend my willy – “I don’t have one, but if I had one you could bend it…”

Breakdance Smackdown – “My friend knows a breakdancer, I tried to get her to introduce us but she didn’t. His name is Bob and he likes to spin on his kneecap…”

Irate Rat – “He only likes gorgonzola, the good stuff from Waitrose and no other, his irony is so organic…”

Tahini feels that this fanpage could spark a deluge of similar sites forcing musicians to have to think about their lyrics.

“I know lots of perfectly credible artists who write rubbish lyrics. Why can’t I be one of them? Isn’t it enough to have obscure samples and alternative collaborators?”

To vote for your favourite of Tahini’s shit lyrics go to faceboom.com/ Shittest-Lyrics-by-Jula-Tahini

 


Dickens expert discredited

7 Feb
Dickens Professor discredited

Professor Ludvic HafBäkd indicates how big the biscuit was

Professor Ludvic HafBäkd has long been considered to be the world expert on all things Dickens, so his announcement that he had unearthed findings which offered a tantalising glimpse into Dickens home life sparked interest world-wide, in the run up to his talk on the famous author.

Speaking at the British library earlier this week, HafBäkd said, “I have actually embedded myself in Dickens world. I’ve literally walked in his shoes… which was quite uncomfortable as I am a size 11 and he’s only a size 9. I’ve worn his clothes, bathed in his bathtub, written in his ink using his quill pen. I’ve even eaten an old biscuit found in a tin believed to have belonged to Dickens. It was yeasty. After all this exhaustive investigation I’ve realised, I am Dickens. Dickens is me.”

As confused journalists peppered him with questions HafBäkd began to respond by repeating, “What larks eh? What larks old chap?” until his wife, Mabel, came in and led him away.

“This unfortunate confusion might cast doubt on his numerous books on Dickens, especially where his research accreditation has been a bit hazy. He’s now taken to referring to his assertions as ‘anecdotes’ and appears to think that Dickens lives in his house with him,” said fellow Boxford Professor Ridgley Bowel-MacFarten.

Having managed to obtain an interview with Professor HafBäkd, he had this to say:

LB: Charlie and I go way back. I feel like I know him better than my wife and kids.

Q: Your children, whom you’ve named Pickick Papers HafBäkd, Little Dorrit HafBäkd, Barnaby Rudge HafBäkd and David Copperfield HafBäkd?

LB: Yes we’ve got another one on the way who we’re going to call Edwin Drood HafBäkd as well.

Q: Congratulations.

LB: Thanks, they do sort of infringe on my time with Charlie though. He can actually be pretty possessive.

Q: …?

LB: Yes, the more time I spend helping little Pickwick Papers with his homework or fixing Barnaby Rudge’s bicycle for him (a pennywhistle naturally) well, let’s just say he get’s sulky. He never talks much anyway and lately I’ve been getting vibes. But I’ve decided to make all the kids go and work at the local blacking factory…just like Charlie did when he was their age, which should cheer him up.

Q: How does this er…possessiveness manifest itself?

LB: Oh you know, every time the wife starts yacking about something or other I’ll see him across the room staring, just staring for hours on end. It can be quite unnerving.

Q: Are you referring to the famous painting of Dickens which hangs in your study?

LB: It’s only when we’re alone that I can really be myself around him. He understands that. He understands everything.

Q: OK, I think I’ll go now.

Q: Yes, you go. Me and Charlie D need some special time. (In an undertone) Yes, Chuck chuck, our mutual friend is leaving now…no, there are no more biscuits…

Poetry: Page vs. Stage divide – “sorted”

6 Feb

The pen definitely hurts less than the sword when stuck up the nose: Say Da Word and Richstein Larusso

Spoken Word artist Say Da Word recently battled head to head with ‘normal’ poet Richstein Larusso in a debate upon which the future of poetry depends. The debate was staged by Sprinklelips Poetry at the Crusty Undercarriage Bar in Hoxton.

SDW: Word.

RL: Hello.

SDW: The word speaks, the world listens.

RL: Okay, we’ve started. Have we started? I’ve brought my notebook.

SDW: My mother says the lyrics don’t own me/ I spit rhymes and I hang with my homies/ all the people in the back say yee-ah!

RL: Okay. I thought this was going to be more of a structured debate… I don’t really see the difference between what you’re doing and bad rap.

SDW: Oh no you di-unt! If you gots da words then lets you be herd (yes I do mean ‘herd’ like a nerd or a group of cows…) Yo!

RL: That doesn’t even rhyme? (Takes out thick notebook, drops several papers on the floor. Crowd becomes restless.) Anyway. Here is my new opus: ‘I dream of Felt droppings’

I dream of Felt droppings

I like how they roll

Dust bunny protocol.

Ring a ding ding

How I wanted to sing

But my mouth was stuffed with cotton.

SDW: Actually, that’s quite good.

RL: Thanks. Hey, didn’t we go to Eton together?

Bozzel: I think you’ll all agree that both sides argued convincingly. The winner is: POETRY!

(Crowd clicks their fingers energetically)

Method Actor lives role for 30 years in preparation for movie

2 Feb
Movie poster for The Emancipation of Felix Penderhausen

Poster for Likowski's film

Visionary art house director Stan Likowski’s long-awaited film The Emancipation of Felix  Penderhausen, will at last be shown at London’s Flabberghast theatre.

The epic film, said to run to 22 hours and 15 min with 6 breaks for intermission, has been a labour of love for the director.
“I didn’t know how to cut it. Every second was life, was truth, was Felix,” said a tearful Likowski at last night’s premiere.

47- year- old actor Bob Munchen took the role of the eponymous everyman very seriously.
“I’m a slave to my craft. I had to get under the skin of Felix, an IT consultant for Costco. We started filming when I was 17. Naturally I had to go to university, as Felix would have, and studied IT for 3 years.”

Q: What will you do now that the movie is completed?

BM: Costco’s given Felix a raise so I thought I might stay on there. I’ve got a staff card. Have you any idea how hard those are to get hold of? Like gold dust. Or crack.

Q:…..?

BM: Those allegations are unfounded.

Q: In 1989 ‘Felix’ married ‘Imelda’ (played by actress Zenda Kale) were you and Zenda close?

BM: ‘Felix’ loved ‘Imelda’ but I find Zelda quite annoying so…in any case she’s been sleeping with Stan for the last 5 years.

Q: Oh?

BM: Yes, he lived with us. The kids called him Uncle Stanley.

Q: You’re referring to the two children born during filming? How have they been affected?

BM: It was confusing for them, but they understand the process must come first. For instance when little Jenny was 12 Stan decided that her character ‘Maud’ would have braces. Jenny’s teeth were perfect but she got the braces. Four years she had them. None of it made it onto the final film, but still.

Q: Will there be a sequel to The Emancipation of Felix Penderhausen?

(phone rings)

BM: Sorry, I have to take this, it’s Costco.

The Emancipation of Felix Penderhausen is playing at selected theatres across the UK.

woman with baby in supermarket

A highly charged scene from the film