Art world brought to it’s knees by painting no one has ever seen

5 Mar

What’s behind door 1?

“In that room is one of the most beautiful works of art you will never see.” Thus spoke recently deceased artist Denzel Breesely, earlier this week. “It’s taken me twenty-five years to complete. My wife left me because I worked in strict seclusion for long periods – she was the love of my life and even she hasn’t seen it.”

His new work, ‘Behind Door number 1,’ sparked a media frenzy because of the closely guarded nature of the installation. At the recent event at the Folderol Gallery in Bank, Breesely failed to reveal the alleged masterpiece, which he has concealed behind an unbreachable locked door.

Wearing a brassy shirt and a loud gold key on a chain, Breesely said,“It rivals the Mona Lisa or any number of fabled pieces in its intricacy of design and flawlessness of its conception.” As art critics and journalists muttered into their hors de oeuvres, the artist took questions regarding the mysterious art work.

Q: Why can’t you let us see it then?

DB: The point of this piece is to test the human endurance for inaccessibility. Your curiosity will imbue the work with all the qualities I’ve just named, merely by imagining it.

Q: A bit like the Emperor’s new clothes?

DB: No, nothing like that. In the story to which you refer, the emperor actually wore no clothes. He was naked and deluded. Behind that door is a work of staggering beauty…

Q: Which no-one is allowed to see?

DB: Precisely. The piece has already been bought sight unseen by Gemini Craterback of the Craterback Cracker industry. And before you ask, not even the new owner of the piece will get the key to the door.

Q: Nothing we can say will convince you to give us a little peek?

DB: (Smiles enigmatically) You’d have to pry the key from my cold, dead hands…

It appeared that the artist’s flippant comment was prescient. Breesely’s death yesterday, involving a freak accident in which he was buried beneath an avalanche of Craterback Crackers (a gift from the new owner), has led to speculation that the mystery will never be resolved. Meanwhile, the projected value of the piece has gone up a thousandfold as critics and pundits speculate as to its content.

“Its already being referred to as one of the iconic pieces of our time,” said Hooch Prize board member, Gullabill Wheat. “None of the other artists have bothered entering this year, so we’ve awarded the prize to Breesely posthumously.”

The artists wake will be held at the Little Church of Generic Omnipotence. All are welcome, snacks will be provided by Craterback industries.


3 Responses to “Art world brought to it’s knees by painting no one has ever seen”

  1. Simon Tuson March 7, 2012 at 12:29 am #

    Will the coffin be open at the funeral service?

    • zeitgeistschadenfreude March 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

      Unfortunately, as with many cracker-based deaths, the body was unrecognisable when pulled (or rather) scraped from beneath the pile. That, as they say, is the way the cracker er, crumbles.

  2. Colin Herring February 6, 2016 at 11:53 pm #

    I have taken a sneak peek, It’s Schroedinger’s cat. The cat is both alive and dead at the same time. This state of art in stasis surely is the 8th natural wonder of the world and all should view this historic moment…..or not.

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