Archive | April, 2012

Underground Grog Filter Beats – famous for the next 5 minutes

26 Apr

The latest craze for Underground Grog Filter beats has seen several bands rising above the rest like scum on day old coffee. In a good way.

Crustacean Inflation – Jeniffer Gestation takes the rabid crowds up one minute and then brings them down. Literally. The band laces free cocktails with Valium for that ‘mellow vibe’. Picking broken glass from your cheek has never been more fun.

You need to be pretty mellow to do this move.

Tits for Termites – Low voiced singer Mick Macweltenbrack shouts the lyrics to their hit ‘Brazen faced Dog People’ whilst keyboardist Frick LeRoo recites the periodic table.

Hasta La Vista Gravy – Singing from a bathtub full of gravy, the band wave porkchops and legs of mutton at the increasingly ravenous crowd before inciting them to feast orgiastically off their bodies. With no recognisable band leader it was left to promoter Denby Whatserwaller to yell, “But wait, there is no gravy” over and over again, while recording and looping the baying of the crowd. Expect to come back from the gig in someone else’s clothes.

Hasta La Vista Gravy: He's right there is no gravy. Oh wait, there is.

Donde Endometrium – Ex-microbiologist Flange Breathsaver knits tightly woven computer based blips and bleeps with the cooing of a whip-poor-wil and the noises of a cicada. Walking amongst the audience, he offers to tickle you. Don’t accept.

Donde Endometrium

Flange Breathsaver: Seriously, don't let him tickle you.


Ventriloquist sticks hand up own bum

10 Apr

Bertie and his dummy, in happier times

Bertie Nosewhistler succumbed to the grim financial climate by having to pawn his trusty dummy a few weeks ago.

“Actually he was a foul mouthed little git so I wasn’t too sorry to be rid of him. My psychiatrist told me he was a grim expression of my matricidal tendencies. So he tended to be a bit of a downer.”

With necessity being the mother of invention Bertie has cut out the middle man (or dummy) in an unusual way.

“The audiences love the new show. They’re always surprised the first time they see it.”

Critics have been unstinting in their praise, describing Nosewhistler’s performance as ‘mindboggling’, ‘both terrifying and strangely satisfying,’ and ‘like a car crash you just can’t look away from.’

Agent Tommy Schnitzel says, “I think this show has legs. We’re thinking of taking it to Vegas next year.”
Dr. Abel Enabler (DIPdap, BMad), his Psychiatrist says, “Although this success can’t fail to bolster Bertie’s low self esteem, he has to watch that his negative manifestation ‘the dummy’ doesn’t become a part of him, effectively turning inward.”

“Because otherwise I might become a raging maniac,” Bertie giggled.

Q: How did you come up with the idea?

BN: I was loitering listlessly around the old bedsit looking for something else to pawn when I remembered my years as a contortionist at Rigley’s Circus. I thought to myself, Dang it! That’s the answer! And never looked back. Well, except of course to…

Q: Quite.

Bertie’s Bum and his Magical Hand, is playing at the Barking theatre. Children welcome.


"Horror? Or lust? It's such a thin line," says Bertie.