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Viggo Mortenson: poet, lover, quiche eater

6 Mar

Viggo likes to be one with the natural world.

Viggo Mortenson, star of Stubbly Elf-botherer, Naked Man at the Russian Bath, Ex-Mobster Shoots Man in Diner, and more, has ‘come out’ as a writer of poetry.
“The prospect of having someone of Viggo’s profile as an ambassador for our art-form is very heartening,” said Rodney Blatchweaver‘s mum Muriel. “Now maybe more people will take Rodney seriously.”
With poems like Ennui* it seems that Viggo is set to take the arts world by storm.


Stare into the mirror
Who am I?
Diner Guy?
An Elf lover?
A naked wrestler?
These questions haunt me
As I stare into my beautiful eyes
And run my hands through my
Thick, lustrous hair –

“If there was an Oscar for poetry, Viggo should get one. Now, when I tell people I’m a poet, they no longer laugh in my face. Thank you Viggo!” said Rachel Bucktoof.

We asked Poet Laureate Inigo Yelp to comment on Viggo’s longterm influence on the form.

IY:    Who is he?
Q:    . …! A world-famous movie star.
IY:   What’s he been in?
(We explain)
IY:   Naked wrestling, eh? I’ll have to take a look at that. What was the question?
(We explain)
IY:  You should be writing about Rodney Blatchweaver. That young up-and-comer is making waves in this town. He’s going to put poetry on the map. What was the question?
Q:      ……..?!
(We explain)
IY:   Hmm that’s a tough one. What’s his work like?
Q:     Powerfully understated and tinged with a melancholic awareness of man’s fleeting mortality.
IY:  Give us one then.

Q:   (Reciting from Viggo’s book Blasphemy of the Soul🙂


Why must I lie?
I should be in nature
One with the sparrows
Instead of pretending to kick
Some guy’s ass nine ways to Sunday
Pretending to psycho-analyse beautiful women
Pretending to not be upset when I don’t get nominated.
Irony cuts deep
Like that time I went fishing.
The honest trout
Has no silver tongue
His scales help him to swim faster
Not get women to sleep with him.
He. Is. No. Liar.

(A long silence ensues)
Q:    I’m probably not putting the depth of feeling into it that Viggo does.

(The silence continues)

IY:  I’m speechless.


Playwright slams own work as ‘derivative drivel’

26 Jun

Artie Gimlet prepares for a night of light entertainment

Playwright Artie Gimlet’s new play, ‘Pretension’ has had fans flocking to the theatres.

“Everyone is hungry for irony these days. They’ll do anything to get a fix. Pretension is the perfect high for our generation of sneery scenesters who speak in dead sentences.”

Gimlet’s over-elaborate dialogue is delivered in a purposefully deadpan and uninterested tone, as the actors try on an endless series of Urban Outfitters clothing. Gimlet himself heckles them relentlessly from the orchestra pit, screaming, “Where is the music?!”

Actor Todd Winklebun spoke to us about developing the play.

TW:     At first it was pretty disconcerting. Especially when my mom joined Artie in ‘the pit of shame.’ Artie was pleased that she so deeply understood the concept but there’s a part of me that thinks she was still pissed about that time I trashed her car.

Q:        Do you think our generation has, and will, spawn a society of heartless automatons who are only as real as their latest Twizler update?

TW:    Um, I’m not sure how to respond to that. There are light hearted moments in the play. When my character tries on his seventh pair of low crotch skinny jeans he says, “I’ve seen things.” I like to think that whatever they were they were, they were nice things.

Critic finally bucks trend and directs film

20 Feb
Tar Babies from galazkapan

Movie poster for Tar Babies from Galazkapan

Esteemed critic Brent Durwood jeopardised his career by writing, starring in and directing a feature film, Tar Babies from Galazkapan.

“I was tired of writing reviews and having the directors, actors or writers tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about…the old adage, ‘those who can’t do, critique’ was constantly being thrown in my face. So I decided to put my money where my mouth was and produce an ‘outstanding work of staggering genius’ as my friend and fellow critic Zac Hooverball from the Daily Bleat put it.”

At once surreal and futuristic, the review boards and critics seem to be (apart from several known friends of Durwood) at a loss for words.

An insider at the Telegum whispered, “Of course no journalist wants to touch it. He’s done what most of us only dream of doing. To quantify how good or bad the film is would be to admit that there is a reason why some people are artists and some people say mean things about artists. The whole system would be thrown into disarray. Chaos would ensue.”

We caught up with Durwood at the launch party for the film, at which very few journalists were present.

Q: Why do you think most journalists have been so reluctant to comment on your new film?

BD: First things first. What did you think of Tar Babies?

Q: ……I thought the use of real babies covered in tar was a controversial choice.

BD: Yes, well one has to make those sorts of choices when creating a film that aspires to be more than your run of the mill Hollywood pleasing schlockbuster.

Q: The film appeared to straddle a number of genres…

BD: (Nods head vigorously) I used my encyclopaedic knowledge of cinema. I think you’ll find that Tar Babies is the only film which embodies every genre in the history of movies.

For instance: babies covered in tar – they do that in some parts of the world to albino children – documentary. It’s set in another galaxy…

Q: Galazkapan?

BD: No. That’s the planet. (Awkward pause) Science fiction.

Lead character Blane Jawbone has to shoot his way out of the Eliptikon stronghold – Action/adventure. The female lead, Jane Bustworthy, is a feisty non-conformist from a military background – Feminist/war movie. I could go on…

Q: An ambitious project. Would you say that it has left critics somewhat at a loss?

BD: I can only imagine that the piece has proved too challenging for them to grasp. Although I think they’ll find my next film Cat Burglars from the Eternal Beyond easier to swallow. I let myself have a little more fun with it. Once Tar Babies breaks all box office records as an outsider-crossover success, the pressure to prove myself as an actor/writer/director/auteur will be over.

Finally, I’ll be able to make the films I always longed to see.

Q: Will you be using real cats?

BD: Oh, yeah.

Tar Babies from Galazkapan will be playing at the Rickety Theatre in North London for a limited time only. 

Lovliballs Writers: Tell All? Are rumours of infidelity and deviance unfounded?

14 Feb
Book with It was shaped like a question mark title

Jennifer Keunt's It was shaped like a question mark - at all good bookshops


Writers Jennifer and Tristram Loveliballs’ acrimonious divorce has long had the press frothing at the mouth in response to wild rumours of key parties, dodgy salsa intrigues and cabana boy lovers.
Now both authors have reportedly written their version in thinly veiled fictional accounts. Far from clearing the air, the writer’s refusal to admit to any biographical content has only served to muddy the waters even more.
We spoke to the agent representing the two authors, Basil Baldworth.

Q: Isn’t your continuing to represent both parties a conflict of interests?

BB: Not at all. I’ve known Jen and Tris for years. I was at their son’s Barmitzvah. Besides, they both know my first loyalty is to the agency.

(Gives shark-like grin)

Q: How would you describe your client’s latest works?

BB: Both Lovliballs… (pauses while assistant whispers something to him) sorry, Ms. Keunt wishes to be known by her maiden name from now on. Both clients have written searing work(s) of emotional honesty.

Q: Emotional honesty? Is there any truth to the rumours that these accounts are stark representations of their marriage?

BB: I would be a terrible agent if I either confirmed or denied that. I will say that, like all writers, they drew inspiration from their own lives…

Q: Like the part where ‘Blistram’ is caught by ‘Juniper’ in a three-way with two doctoral students and their son’s Norwegian au pair?

BB: (Spreads hands eloquently)

Q: Or when ‘Blistram’ reads ‘Juniper’s’ emails and discovers that he is not the father of their son, and that, in fact, ‘Juniper’s’ agent ‘Harry Hairworthy’ is the boy’s true father?

BB: What? Where did you…?!

Q: Advance copies of Tristram’s book were sent out to the press by his new agent Jerry Mills of Mills, Boone and Crumble.

Unfortunately, Mr Baldworth was unavailable for further comment.


Oh The Lies by Tristram Lovliballs and It was Shaped like a Question Mark by Jennifer Keunt are out in bookshops and online from Monday.

Dickens expert discredited

7 Feb
Dickens Professor discredited

Professor Ludvic HafBäkd indicates how big the biscuit was

Professor Ludvic HafBäkd has long been considered to be the world expert on all things Dickens, so his announcement that he had unearthed findings which offered a tantalising glimpse into Dickens home life sparked interest world-wide, in the run up to his talk on the famous author.

Speaking at the British library earlier this week, HafBäkd said, “I have actually embedded myself in Dickens world. I’ve literally walked in his shoes… which was quite uncomfortable as I am a size 11 and he’s only a size 9. I’ve worn his clothes, bathed in his bathtub, written in his ink using his quill pen. I’ve even eaten an old biscuit found in a tin believed to have belonged to Dickens. It was yeasty. After all this exhaustive investigation I’ve realised, I am Dickens. Dickens is me.”

As confused journalists peppered him with questions HafBäkd began to respond by repeating, “What larks eh? What larks old chap?” until his wife, Mabel, came in and led him away.

“This unfortunate confusion might cast doubt on his numerous books on Dickens, especially where his research accreditation has been a bit hazy. He’s now taken to referring to his assertions as ‘anecdotes’ and appears to think that Dickens lives in his house with him,” said fellow Boxford Professor Ridgley Bowel-MacFarten.

Having managed to obtain an interview with Professor HafBäkd, he had this to say:

LB: Charlie and I go way back. I feel like I know him better than my wife and kids.

Q: Your children, whom you’ve named Pickick Papers HafBäkd, Little Dorrit HafBäkd, Barnaby Rudge HafBäkd and David Copperfield HafBäkd?

LB: Yes we’ve got another one on the way who we’re going to call Edwin Drood HafBäkd as well.

Q: Congratulations.

LB: Thanks, they do sort of infringe on my time with Charlie though. He can actually be pretty possessive.

Q: …?

LB: Yes, the more time I spend helping little Pickwick Papers with his homework or fixing Barnaby Rudge’s bicycle for him (a pennywhistle naturally) well, let’s just say he get’s sulky. He never talks much anyway and lately I’ve been getting vibes. But I’ve decided to make all the kids go and work at the local blacking factory…just like Charlie did when he was their age, which should cheer him up.

Q: How does this er…possessiveness manifest itself?

LB: Oh you know, every time the wife starts yacking about something or other I’ll see him across the room staring, just staring for hours on end. It can be quite unnerving.

Q: Are you referring to the famous painting of Dickens which hangs in your study?

LB: It’s only when we’re alone that I can really be myself around him. He understands that. He understands everything.

Q: OK, I think I’ll go now.

Q: Yes, you go. Me and Charlie D need some special time. (In an undertone) Yes, Chuck chuck, our mutual friend is leaving now…no, there are no more biscuits…

Poetry: Page vs. Stage divide – “sorted”

6 Feb

The pen definitely hurts less than the sword when stuck up the nose: Say Da Word and Richstein Larusso

Spoken Word artist Say Da Word recently battled head to head with ‘normal’ poet Richstein Larusso in a debate upon which the future of poetry depends. The debate was staged by Sprinklelips Poetry at the Crusty Undercarriage Bar in Hoxton.

SDW: Word.

RL: Hello.

SDW: The word speaks, the world listens.

RL: Okay, we’ve started. Have we started? I’ve brought my notebook.

SDW: My mother says the lyrics don’t own me/ I spit rhymes and I hang with my homies/ all the people in the back say yee-ah!

RL: Okay. I thought this was going to be more of a structured debate… I don’t really see the difference between what you’re doing and bad rap.

SDW: Oh no you di-unt! If you gots da words then lets you be herd (yes I do mean ‘herd’ like a nerd or a group of cows…) Yo!

RL: That doesn’t even rhyme? (Takes out thick notebook, drops several papers on the floor. Crowd becomes restless.) Anyway. Here is my new opus: ‘I dream of Felt droppings’

I dream of Felt droppings

I like how they roll

Dust bunny protocol.

Ring a ding ding

How I wanted to sing

But my mouth was stuffed with cotton.

SDW: Actually, that’s quite good.

RL: Thanks. Hey, didn’t we go to Eton together?

Bozzel: I think you’ll all agree that both sides argued convincingly. The winner is: POETRY!

(Crowd clicks their fingers energetically)

Poet Rodney Blatchweaver on street sweepers and prostitutes

23 Jan
beat poet

Tortured recluse

We spoke to poet Rodney Blatchweaver, a writer who describes himself as “leading the tortured existence of a recluse who unfortunately is too popular to enjoy a sheltered life.”

Q: Tell us what drives you as an artist.

RB: I love that question.

Q: (After a minute or two) is that your answer?

RB: Is that your question?

Q: Is THAT your answer?

RB: That’s up to you.

Q: Thank you.

RB: Don’t mention it. The point is not to apply your own meanings to your work, after all, poetry is subjective and meaningless beyond what the reader applies. I often ask street sweepers and prostitutes to read my work so that they can reveal to me what the true meaning of the piece is.

Q: Have you ever performed your work?

RB: No, I’m rubbish at reading.

Q: What did your new work Barracuda Phosphorous* mean?

*Barracuda phosphorous

Jim jam baloney

Tastes like that new flavour of marmite

RB: According to bricklayer Tom Ludd it was, (making quote marks) “shit.”

Q: How do you respond to that?

RB: He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Rodney’s numerous publications include Bravo the Heimlich manoeuvre, Eyebrow Catastrophe, Holding Only One Ball, Things I Imagined while Sleeping with You.