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Viggo Mortenson: poet, lover, quiche eater

6 Mar

Viggo likes to be one with the natural world.

Viggo Mortenson, star of Stubbly Elf-botherer, Naked Man at the Russian Bath, Ex-Mobster Shoots Man in Diner, and more, has ‘come out’ as a writer of poetry.
“The prospect of having someone of Viggo’s profile as an ambassador for our art-form is very heartening,” said Rodney Blatchweaver‘s mum Muriel. “Now maybe more people will take Rodney seriously.”
With poems like Ennui* it seems that Viggo is set to take the arts world by storm.


Stare into the mirror
Who am I?
Diner Guy?
An Elf lover?
A naked wrestler?
These questions haunt me
As I stare into my beautiful eyes
And run my hands through my
Thick, lustrous hair –

“If there was an Oscar for poetry, Viggo should get one. Now, when I tell people I’m a poet, they no longer laugh in my face. Thank you Viggo!” said Rachel Bucktoof.

We asked Poet Laureate Inigo Yelp to comment on Viggo’s longterm influence on the form.

IY:    Who is he?
Q:    . …! A world-famous movie star.
IY:   What’s he been in?
(We explain)
IY:   Naked wrestling, eh? I’ll have to take a look at that. What was the question?
(We explain)
IY:  You should be writing about Rodney Blatchweaver. That young up-and-comer is making waves in this town. He’s going to put poetry on the map. What was the question?
Q:      ……..?!
(We explain)
IY:   Hmm that’s a tough one. What’s his work like?
Q:     Powerfully understated and tinged with a melancholic awareness of man’s fleeting mortality.
IY:  Give us one then.

Q:   (Reciting from Viggo’s book Blasphemy of the Soul🙂


Why must I lie?
I should be in nature
One with the sparrows
Instead of pretending to kick
Some guy’s ass nine ways to Sunday
Pretending to psycho-analyse beautiful women
Pretending to not be upset when I don’t get nominated.
Irony cuts deep
Like that time I went fishing.
The honest trout
Has no silver tongue
His scales help him to swim faster
Not get women to sleep with him.
He. Is. No. Liar.

(A long silence ensues)
Q:    I’m probably not putting the depth of feeling into it that Viggo does.

(The silence continues)

IY:  I’m speechless.


The Oscar Speech Meryl Streep never gave

1 Mar
Celebrity audience at the Oscars

The celebrity audience has mixed reaction to Noni flashing her breasts

In a bizarre Oscars speech, actress Noni Gibberwelt, despite insisting that she is not bitter, cleared the decks of her former life as a cocktail waitress.
Now an Oscar-winning screenwriter and actress, Noni’s acceptance of her award was unusually caustic.

“There was a time when I might have said, “Hah!” All you bad tippers, you late night booty-callers who never answered the phone when I needed you. I’m talking about you Ray Vaudvilke. No, I’ve been brushed with the loofah of success…

(Kisses statuette)

…and I shake you off like flaky skin calluses. I might have said, “Pah!” to you Robbie Blitzkin. Back in high school, I bet you never thought I’d grow into this bod or have such great hair! And you, Falco Ripwheedler, who told me my poems were average and overtly melancholic, so you couldn’t possibly publish them. Do you see the Oscar I’m holding?! No? Oh, right, you’re in your mouldy old bedsit back in Blighty. And what about you, Prof. Junkweilder? If I was still bitter about getting a C- on all of my papers after I wouldn’t let you fondle my breasts …Yup.

(Flashes breasts)

These puppies – savour it. Oh wait, that’s the closest you’ll ever get. To any woman. And then there’s you, Milton Moovil. Ah, Milton. You’re so lucky that I can now afford the best therapy money can buy. I’ve learnt to look past the years of drudgery when I stifled my own talent in order to work three jobs to support your career as an “interpretive dancer.”

By sleeping with that little slut from RADA you set me free to become the (let’s be honest) MASSIVE success that I am now. If I was bitter. But I’m not. So I dedicate this award to all the wankers from my past. Grist, mill, water under the gold-plated bridge.”

Then, as the audience sat in stunned silence, the actress moon-walked off stage.

Critic finally bucks trend and directs film

20 Feb
Tar Babies from galazkapan

Movie poster for Tar Babies from Galazkapan

Esteemed critic Brent Durwood jeopardised his career by writing, starring in and directing a feature film, Tar Babies from Galazkapan.

“I was tired of writing reviews and having the directors, actors or writers tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about…the old adage, ‘those who can’t do, critique’ was constantly being thrown in my face. So I decided to put my money where my mouth was and produce an ‘outstanding work of staggering genius’ as my friend and fellow critic Zac Hooverball from the Daily Bleat put it.”

At once surreal and futuristic, the review boards and critics seem to be (apart from several known friends of Durwood) at a loss for words.

An insider at the Telegum whispered, “Of course no journalist wants to touch it. He’s done what most of us only dream of doing. To quantify how good or bad the film is would be to admit that there is a reason why some people are artists and some people say mean things about artists. The whole system would be thrown into disarray. Chaos would ensue.”

We caught up with Durwood at the launch party for the film, at which very few journalists were present.

Q: Why do you think most journalists have been so reluctant to comment on your new film?

BD: First things first. What did you think of Tar Babies?

Q: ……I thought the use of real babies covered in tar was a controversial choice.

BD: Yes, well one has to make those sorts of choices when creating a film that aspires to be more than your run of the mill Hollywood pleasing schlockbuster.

Q: The film appeared to straddle a number of genres…

BD: (Nods head vigorously) I used my encyclopaedic knowledge of cinema. I think you’ll find that Tar Babies is the only film which embodies every genre in the history of movies.

For instance: babies covered in tar – they do that in some parts of the world to albino children – documentary. It’s set in another galaxy…

Q: Galazkapan?

BD: No. That’s the planet. (Awkward pause) Science fiction.

Lead character Blane Jawbone has to shoot his way out of the Eliptikon stronghold – Action/adventure. The female lead, Jane Bustworthy, is a feisty non-conformist from a military background – Feminist/war movie. I could go on…

Q: An ambitious project. Would you say that it has left critics somewhat at a loss?

BD: I can only imagine that the piece has proved too challenging for them to grasp. Although I think they’ll find my next film Cat Burglars from the Eternal Beyond easier to swallow. I let myself have a little more fun with it. Once Tar Babies breaks all box office records as an outsider-crossover success, the pressure to prove myself as an actor/writer/director/auteur will be over.

Finally, I’ll be able to make the films I always longed to see.

Q: Will you be using real cats?

BD: Oh, yeah.

Tar Babies from Galazkapan will be playing at the Rickety Theatre in North London for a limited time only. 

Dickens expert discredited

7 Feb
Dickens Professor discredited

Professor Ludvic HafBäkd indicates how big the biscuit was

Professor Ludvic HafBäkd has long been considered to be the world expert on all things Dickens, so his announcement that he had unearthed findings which offered a tantalising glimpse into Dickens home life sparked interest world-wide, in the run up to his talk on the famous author.

Speaking at the British library earlier this week, HafBäkd said, “I have actually embedded myself in Dickens world. I’ve literally walked in his shoes… which was quite uncomfortable as I am a size 11 and he’s only a size 9. I’ve worn his clothes, bathed in his bathtub, written in his ink using his quill pen. I’ve even eaten an old biscuit found in a tin believed to have belonged to Dickens. It was yeasty. After all this exhaustive investigation I’ve realised, I am Dickens. Dickens is me.”

As confused journalists peppered him with questions HafBäkd began to respond by repeating, “What larks eh? What larks old chap?” until his wife, Mabel, came in and led him away.

“This unfortunate confusion might cast doubt on his numerous books on Dickens, especially where his research accreditation has been a bit hazy. He’s now taken to referring to his assertions as ‘anecdotes’ and appears to think that Dickens lives in his house with him,” said fellow Boxford Professor Ridgley Bowel-MacFarten.

Having managed to obtain an interview with Professor HafBäkd, he had this to say:

LB: Charlie and I go way back. I feel like I know him better than my wife and kids.

Q: Your children, whom you’ve named Pickick Papers HafBäkd, Little Dorrit HafBäkd, Barnaby Rudge HafBäkd and David Copperfield HafBäkd?

LB: Yes we’ve got another one on the way who we’re going to call Edwin Drood HafBäkd as well.

Q: Congratulations.

LB: Thanks, they do sort of infringe on my time with Charlie though. He can actually be pretty possessive.

Q: …?

LB: Yes, the more time I spend helping little Pickwick Papers with his homework or fixing Barnaby Rudge’s bicycle for him (a pennywhistle naturally) well, let’s just say he get’s sulky. He never talks much anyway and lately I’ve been getting vibes. But I’ve decided to make all the kids go and work at the local blacking factory…just like Charlie did when he was their age, which should cheer him up.

Q: How does this er…possessiveness manifest itself?

LB: Oh you know, every time the wife starts yacking about something or other I’ll see him across the room staring, just staring for hours on end. It can be quite unnerving.

Q: Are you referring to the famous painting of Dickens which hangs in your study?

LB: It’s only when we’re alone that I can really be myself around him. He understands that. He understands everything.

Q: OK, I think I’ll go now.

Q: Yes, you go. Me and Charlie D need some special time. (In an undertone) Yes, Chuck chuck, our mutual friend is leaving now…no, there are no more biscuits…

Method Actor lives role for 30 years in preparation for movie

2 Feb
Movie poster for The Emancipation of Felix Penderhausen

Poster for Likowski's film

Visionary art house director Stan Likowski’s long-awaited film The Emancipation of Felix  Penderhausen, will at last be shown at London’s Flabberghast theatre.

The epic film, said to run to 22 hours and 15 min with 6 breaks for intermission, has been a labour of love for the director.
“I didn’t know how to cut it. Every second was life, was truth, was Felix,” said a tearful Likowski at last night’s premiere.

47- year- old actor Bob Munchen took the role of the eponymous everyman very seriously.
“I’m a slave to my craft. I had to get under the skin of Felix, an IT consultant for Costco. We started filming when I was 17. Naturally I had to go to university, as Felix would have, and studied IT for 3 years.”

Q: What will you do now that the movie is completed?

BM: Costco’s given Felix a raise so I thought I might stay on there. I’ve got a staff card. Have you any idea how hard those are to get hold of? Like gold dust. Or crack.


BM: Those allegations are unfounded.

Q: In 1989 ‘Felix’ married ‘Imelda’ (played by actress Zenda Kale) were you and Zenda close?

BM: ‘Felix’ loved ‘Imelda’ but I find Zelda quite annoying so…in any case she’s been sleeping with Stan for the last 5 years.

Q: Oh?

BM: Yes, he lived with us. The kids called him Uncle Stanley.

Q: You’re referring to the two children born during filming? How have they been affected?

BM: It was confusing for them, but they understand the process must come first. For instance when little Jenny was 12 Stan decided that her character ‘Maud’ would have braces. Jenny’s teeth were perfect but she got the braces. Four years she had them. None of it made it onto the final film, but still.

Q: Will there be a sequel to The Emancipation of Felix Penderhausen?

(phone rings)

BM: Sorry, I have to take this, it’s Costco.

The Emancipation of Felix Penderhausen is playing at selected theatres across the UK.

woman with baby in supermarket

A highly charged scene from the film