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Rap star’s alter ego develops own alter ego

8 May

Hair reflecting life?

Rap singer Beebop KraZd has just released a sparkling new album (retail copies literally covered in mock Swarofski crystals) under her alter ego’s (a timid librarian called Floozi Malloy, with two foster children and a ‘badass policy on late returns’) alter-ego.

‘Funki Munk’, ‘a toi girl grinding her stuff in the Barbie house’ is said to be Floozi’s (aka Beebop’s) ‘plastic fantasy’.

Q: What led your alter ego to er…develop ‘her’ own alter-ego?

BK/FM/FM: Everyone was doing the alter-ego thing. Beyonce, Niki Minaj, Madlib…I wanted to express myself in a totally original way.

Q: Peeper magazine reported recently that you ‘talk in the voices of your different alter ego’s, sometimes even having arguments and fistfights’?

BK/FM/FM: Damn straight! Dem birches be getting all up in my grill. Funki Munk is always stealing my clothes…(expression changes) oh no you di-unt! You did not jus accuse me of stealing my own clothes! (voice change) now ladies, let’s have some propriety, you know I don’t like loud talkers…(voice change) shut yo mouth bitch!
(Argument becomes increasingly heated until BK/FM/FM pulls out a diamond encrusted bb gun and starts pistol whipping herself)

Manager Lick Flange steps in.

LF: Break it up ladies… (ushers star out) My God, it’s exhausting.

Q:  Do you see any danger of Beebop losing credibility with her fans as a result of outbursts like this?

LF: Oh no. The crazier the better as far as alter-ego’s go. I think its s great way for them to let off steam from all the pressure of being a celeb. You should hear the sort of shit ‘Sasha Fierce’ gets away with. You think it was Eminem who assaulted his ex wife? No, that was ‘Slim Shady’. These days they all have therapists telling them to use these a-e’s as a ‘mask to explore their deepest fantasies’.

Q: These are people who can afford to bathe in a solid gold bathtub full of beluga caviar whilst having naked dwarves hoola hooping and juggling bags of money….?

LF: That stuff’s old news man. Tired and boring. The new thing is airing your psychological laundry in public. That shit never gets old.

Q: What will happen if Beebop’s alter-ego’s alter-ego develops an alter-ego?
(a huge pause)

LF:  That’s some deep shit you’re talking about. But if anyone’s crazy enough to do it…

Beebop KraZd aka Floozi Malloy aka Funki Munk’s new album,”Crank my bitch funk” is out now.


Underground Grog Filter Beats – famous for the next 5 minutes

26 Apr

The latest craze for Underground Grog Filter beats has seen several bands rising above the rest like scum on day old coffee. In a good way.

Crustacean Inflation – Jeniffer Gestation takes the rabid crowds up one minute and then brings them down. Literally. The band laces free cocktails with Valium for that ‘mellow vibe’. Picking broken glass from your cheek has never been more fun.

You need to be pretty mellow to do this move.

Tits for Termites – Low voiced singer Mick Macweltenbrack shouts the lyrics to their hit ‘Brazen faced Dog People’ whilst keyboardist Frick LeRoo recites the periodic table.

Hasta La Vista Gravy – Singing from a bathtub full of gravy, the band wave porkchops and legs of mutton at the increasingly ravenous crowd before inciting them to feast orgiastically off their bodies. With no recognisable band leader it was left to promoter Denby Whatserwaller to yell, “But wait, there is no gravy” over and over again, while recording and looping the baying of the crowd. Expect to come back from the gig in someone else’s clothes.

Hasta La Vista Gravy: He's right there is no gravy. Oh wait, there is.

Donde Endometrium – Ex-microbiologist Flange Breathsaver knits tightly woven computer based blips and bleeps with the cooing of a whip-poor-wil and the noises of a cicada. Walking amongst the audience, he offers to tickle you. Don’t accept.

Donde Endometrium

Flange Breathsaver: Seriously, don't let him tickle you.

Shockwaves as Justin Bieber found to be only 2 foot tall

25 Feb
Justin Bieber shock revelations

Justin Bieber with Rihanna - the 3 boxes he's standing on just out of shot

Hundreds of Biebettes were cast into despair amidst recent revelations that the pop behemoth is actually more of a midget.

The pint-sized singer and his team have been using a complex series of mirrors to create the illusion of height.
“Even then they only managed to make him seem 5.5 ft,” said celebrity insider, Mink Muffty. “They’ve closely monitored his TV appearances using step ladders and boxes, and at live performances people just thought he was further away than he was. Much further away. With teeny, tiny doll-like dancers behind him.”

Worse news was to come. The star, thought to be pre-pubescent, is actually 35-years-old.
“He uses the same special effects make-up team as George Lucas with the Star Wars movies. I bet you thought Anakin Skywalker was a 7-year-old. Guess again,” said Muffty.
As legions of young women tore their hair and rended their garments, the unrepentant Bieber issued a defiant statement.
“I regret nothing. In fact, I’m glad the truth is out. And ladies, I can still reach the important stuff. Come to Daddy!”
“I can’t believe I used to think that was cute,” said Muffty.

Singer/songwriter Jula Tahini defends ‘inexplicable’ lyrics

9 Feb
funny picture of singer

Jula Tahini in one of her more restrained outfits

At a recent press junket for her new album, Twisty as Fusili, Tahini spoke out about the pressure to write good lyrics.

“People don’t understand how hard it is to produce a decent song, never mind writing okay lyrics. To be honest I really didn’t think anyone listened to lyrics these days. I mean it’s not like it’s the 60’s anymore. These days artists don’t have to pretend to care about issues. Even Bob Dylan hasn’t listened to his own lyrics in 20 years.”

The problem started when Tahini fan groups started a Faceboom page called Shittest Lyrics by Jula Tahini, a page which now boasts over 8000 fans.

Top selections include:

My mom is a strudel – “My mom is a strudel/ a strudel is she/ My mom is a strudel, I’ll have her with tea…”

Repeat this – “Repeat this. Now repeat this. Say you’ll repeat this. Okay thank you. (chorus)”

Bend my willy – “I don’t have one, but if I had one you could bend it…”

Breakdance Smackdown – “My friend knows a breakdancer, I tried to get her to introduce us but she didn’t. His name is Bob and he likes to spin on his kneecap…”

Irate Rat – “He only likes gorgonzola, the good stuff from Waitrose and no other, his irony is so organic…”

Tahini feels that this fanpage could spark a deluge of similar sites forcing musicians to have to think about their lyrics.

“I know lots of perfectly credible artists who write rubbish lyrics. Why can’t I be one of them? Isn’t it enough to have obscure samples and alternative collaborators?”

To vote for your favourite of Tahini’s shit lyrics go to Shittest-Lyrics-by-Jula-Tahini


Post Nu Nu Seethe Pop sounds

25 Jan

Here are today’s listings. Please bear in mind that in order to qualify as true Post Nu Nu Seethe Pop the bands in question would have to cease to exist before their own ironic remix of a re-released cover of their first recording has been uploaded onto their websites. These means that obviously all of these bands are now defunct. However you might still be able to catch them at a bar in Islington.

Residual Holocaust – Bass player Drake Blitzxer’s electrifying set consisted of only one note and a beautiful Asian girl zipping and unzipping her American Apparel hoodie.

Jon Jon JupitronOrigami or Orgies? Origami or Orgies? Origami  or Orgies? Origami  or Orgies?  sang Space Diva over the sound of a mountain stream.

People I’ve Eaten – Ludwig Avelhorst used his time as an Opera singer as inspiration for their track Pavarotti Ate People Too.

Pig Bunions  – with nearly invisible guitarist Po Bales blowing his melodica and with pretensions towards folk amphetamines styles, Pig Bunions’ set consisted of hurling buttons into the audience and eating bacon sarnies.

Next week: Underground Grog Filter Beats