Tag Archives: art

Viggo Mortenson: poet, lover, quiche eater

6 Mar

Viggo likes to be one with the natural world.

Viggo Mortenson, star of Stubbly Elf-botherer, Naked Man at the Russian Bath, Ex-Mobster Shoots Man in Diner, and more, has ‘come out’ as a writer of poetry.
“The prospect of having someone of Viggo’s profile as an ambassador for our art-form is very heartening,” said Rodney Blatchweaver‘s mum Muriel. “Now maybe more people will take Rodney seriously.”
With poems like Ennui* it seems that Viggo is set to take the arts world by storm.

Ennui*

Stare into the mirror
Who am I?
Diner Guy?
An Elf lover?
A naked wrestler?
These questions haunt me
As I stare into my beautiful eyes
And run my hands through my
Thick, lustrous hair –
Consolation.

“If there was an Oscar for poetry, Viggo should get one. Now, when I tell people I’m a poet, they no longer laugh in my face. Thank you Viggo!” said Rachel Bucktoof.

We asked Poet Laureate Inigo Yelp to comment on Viggo’s longterm influence on the form.

IY:    Who is he?
Q:    . …! A world-famous movie star.
IY:   What’s he been in?
(We explain)
IY:   Naked wrestling, eh? I’ll have to take a look at that. What was the question?
(We explain)
IY:  You should be writing about Rodney Blatchweaver. That young up-and-comer is making waves in this town. He’s going to put poetry on the map. What was the question?
Q:      ……..?!
(We explain)
IY:   Hmm that’s a tough one. What’s his work like?
Q:     Powerfully understated and tinged with a melancholic awareness of man’s fleeting mortality.
IY:  Give us one then.

Q:   (Reciting from Viggo’s book Blasphemy of the Soul🙂

Why?

Why must I lie?
I should be in nature
One with the sparrows
Instead of pretending to kick
Some guy’s ass nine ways to Sunday
Pretending to psycho-analyse beautiful women
Pretending to not be upset when I don’t get nominated.
Irony cuts deep
Like that time I went fishing.
The honest trout
Has no silver tongue
His scales help him to swim faster
Not get women to sleep with him.
He. Is. No. Liar.

(A long silence ensues)
Q:    I’m probably not putting the depth of feeling into it that Viggo does.

(The silence continues)

IY:  I’m speechless.

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Notorious anti-capitalist artist takes big bucks from Oligarch

22 May

Early examples of the artist’s work, discarded for being ‘too tame’.

Enfant terrible Tony Macaroni has got himself a patron. He is known for his incendiary pieces of corruscating social commentary such as ‘Burnt Toast-taste the lies!’ (the faces of world leaders seared onto slices of Warburton’s), ‘Remind me to hate you’ (video in which he melts discarded Madame Tussaud busts) as well as anti-war protest piece ‘Colon Dreamscape’ which has been banned on the grounds of indecency.  He is also widely recognisable on the arts scene for his abrasive posturing and loathing for politicians, so Macaroni’s decision to accept financial support from a notorious billionaire has struck many as strange, with critics branding him a sell-out.

Q:  Rumour has it that you’ve been adopted by Russian Oligarch Steppan Izzinovavikovnavich as his personal artist.

TM:  (Nervously) Yes, so?

Q:  Doesn’t it go against your anti-capitalism, anti-establishment mores?
(Shifts uncomfortably)

TM:  Sure, some may say that it goes against every fibre of my being to accept the blood-rinsed cash of one of the world’s biggest parasites. I certainly wouldn’t, but some might.

Q:  Is it true that he keeps you under house arrest, forcing you to paint recreations of Whistler’s grandmother with his ex-wife as a model?

TM:  Those rumours are (largely) untrue. I could choose between Whistler’s Grandmother and Van Gogh’s ear. (furtively rubs ears) I would’ve had to be the model for that.

Q:  How do you respond to statements to (now deceased) housemaid Schvetlana Meerlubna’s claims that you begged her to get you to a government safe house when she found you cowering in the 18th ballroom at his estate?

TM: That’s errant nonsense. I love that ballroom. I hang out there all the time.

Q: Wearing a caviar-stained jester’s outfit?

TM: Steppan likes to get involved in my installation pieces. That one involves him hurling beluga at me while I flaggelate myself with a badminton racket. (Swallows) It’s fun.

Q:  About Steppan’s famous pack of dogs…

TM: (Starts to shiver uncontrollably) I don’t talk about the dobermans.

Q:  Are you working on anything now?

TM:  I’m working with Steppan on… (breaks down, weeps) listen, I just want to say that I take back everything I ever said about British politicians and capitalism. I was wrong, I see that now. If you could just tell the police…

Immediately two burly security guards rush in.
Guard 1: You upset Minion 502?

Q:  Er…

Guard 2:  No more talky talky!

As they drag the recumbent Macaroni out, he looks back at me silently mouthing, ‘SAVE YOURSELF’…

‘A Hole’ underwhelms at Slate Modern

30 Jan
Drawing of art installation

A Hole (allegedly)

Jeremiah Beetlebaum’s latest installation was ‘revealed’ yesterday: a giant hole.
Audience members who came to view it at the Slate Modern complained that they couldn’t locate the piece.
“Of course they can’t,” said Beetlebaum. “It has no borders or boundaries. I’ve punched a hole through the walls of perception – the possibilities are infinite.”
Q: How long did it take to build the hole?
JB: Time is a meaningless concept. I no longer recognise it.
Q: For the benefit of those of us who still recognise it…
JB: About 3 and a half seconds.

The Slate paid £4 million for the piece, which allegedly stands in the huge turbine hall.
“Hundreds of people walk through The Hole every day,” says Timothy Rearbladder, curator, “Without even realising it. There is something deeply poignant about that. I think it speaks to the human condition.”

We took a survey of responses to Beetlebaum’s seminal work:
99% didn’t know who Beetlebaum was
0.2% thought they might have seen the hole
0.4% were looking for the restaurant
0.4% saw the hole as an existential commentary on the futility of life,  although admittedly this was after we suggested it to them.

The Hole will be at a number of destinations simultaneously. 

Feature on artist Sonia Tit-Wently: Disassociation and the Digital Age

24 Jan
32 eyelashes

32 eyelashes

Tell us about your new art exhibition.

ST:  Lately I’ve been concerned about how fast my brain processes new information. As soon as I got the new I-Phone my brain activity increased by about 300%. It’s the same with everyone.

Q: Exactly.

ST: So I’ve taken to doodling my impressions in order to slow down my life, to really grasp and scrutinise each second. When we talk to people we don’t even look at them anymore. I don’t even remember new people. People I’ve known for years have been reduced to a Facebook status. But when you draw someone you really have to LOOK at them.

Q: You’re making me feel a little uncomfortable now.

ST: Exactly. Because I’m really looking at you.

Q: Can you look at me from a bit further away?

ST: I’m interested in your discomfort. Your brain can’t handle the intimacy of this exchange. A simple conversation is becoming traumatic because you’re so unused to making eye contact with another human being.

Q: My God, you’re right.

ST: You’re welcome.

Sonia Tit-Wently’s new exhibition of doodles can be seen at the Yes! You’re Looking at it! Gallery in Brixton.

Poet Rodney Blatchweaver on street sweepers and prostitutes

23 Jan
beat poet

Tortured recluse

We spoke to poet Rodney Blatchweaver, a writer who describes himself as “leading the tortured existence of a recluse who unfortunately is too popular to enjoy a sheltered life.”

Q: Tell us what drives you as an artist.

RB: I love that question.

Q: (After a minute or two) is that your answer?

RB: Is that your question?

Q: Is THAT your answer?

RB: That’s up to you.

Q: Thank you.

RB: Don’t mention it. The point is not to apply your own meanings to your work, after all, poetry is subjective and meaningless beyond what the reader applies. I often ask street sweepers and prostitutes to read my work so that they can reveal to me what the true meaning of the piece is.

Q: Have you ever performed your work?

RB: No, I’m rubbish at reading.

Q: What did your new work Barracuda Phosphorous* mean?

*Barracuda phosphorous

Jim jam baloney

Tastes like that new flavour of marmite

RB: According to bricklayer Tom Ludd it was, (making quote marks) “shit.”

Q: How do you respond to that?

RB: He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Rodney’s numerous publications include Bravo the Heimlich manoeuvre, Eyebrow Catastrophe, Holding Only One Ball, Things I Imagined while Sleeping with You.