Tag Archives: celebrities

Viggo Mortenson: poet, lover, quiche eater

6 Mar

Viggo likes to be one with the natural world.

Viggo Mortenson, star of Stubbly Elf-botherer, Naked Man at the Russian Bath, Ex-Mobster Shoots Man in Diner, and more, has ‘come out’ as a writer of poetry.
“The prospect of having someone of Viggo’s profile as an ambassador for our art-form is very heartening,” said Rodney Blatchweaver‘s mum Muriel. “Now maybe more people will take Rodney seriously.”
With poems like Ennui* it seems that Viggo is set to take the arts world by storm.

Ennui*

Stare into the mirror
Who am I?
Diner Guy?
An Elf lover?
A naked wrestler?
These questions haunt me
As I stare into my beautiful eyes
And run my hands through my
Thick, lustrous hair –
Consolation.

“If there was an Oscar for poetry, Viggo should get one. Now, when I tell people I’m a poet, they no longer laugh in my face. Thank you Viggo!” said Rachel Bucktoof.

We asked Poet Laureate Inigo Yelp to comment on Viggo’s longterm influence on the form.

IY:    Who is he?
Q:    . …! A world-famous movie star.
IY:   What’s he been in?
(We explain)
IY:   Naked wrestling, eh? I’ll have to take a look at that. What was the question?
(We explain)
IY:  You should be writing about Rodney Blatchweaver. That young up-and-comer is making waves in this town. He’s going to put poetry on the map. What was the question?
Q:      ……..?!
(We explain)
IY:   Hmm that’s a tough one. What’s his work like?
Q:     Powerfully understated and tinged with a melancholic awareness of man’s fleeting mortality.
IY:  Give us one then.

Q:   (Reciting from Viggo’s book Blasphemy of the Soul🙂

Why?

Why must I lie?
I should be in nature
One with the sparrows
Instead of pretending to kick
Some guy’s ass nine ways to Sunday
Pretending to psycho-analyse beautiful women
Pretending to not be upset when I don’t get nominated.
Irony cuts deep
Like that time I went fishing.
The honest trout
Has no silver tongue
His scales help him to swim faster
Not get women to sleep with him.
He. Is. No. Liar.

(A long silence ensues)
Q:    I’m probably not putting the depth of feeling into it that Viggo does.

(The silence continues)

IY:  I’m speechless.

Neurologist plugs new book on Dreams: The Significance of the Himalayan Griffin Vulture and other Dream Symbols

14 Feb

The Himalayan Griffin Vulture at rest

 

Neurologist Raymond Gentzer has spent a lifetime recording and analysing  other people’s dreams. We spoke to him about his latest book revealing his findings.

 

RG:   It’s a tough job. After all, nobody likes to listen to other people yapping away about their dreams. They always go on forever.

Q:    Then why write a book about it?

RG:    Why else? People are suckers for the whole dream symbolism malarkey.

Q:   You sound a little jaded.

RG:   Do I?

(Gives bitter laugh)

Q:    What about your own dreams?

RG:    I don’t dream. In fact, I pay copious amounts of money to my therapist so that there are no unresolved issues troubling my subconscious.

Q:    Not even that one where…

RG:    No.

Q:    You know where…

RG:    No.

(He sneezes and a cascade of bubbles fly from his lips, floating away)

Q:    Tell us about the book.

RG:    Well, over the years there have been a small percentage of dreams which were interesting.

(Twirls long pink moustache whilst juggling a diamond corn-on-the-cob) I’ve collected them here.

Q:    Can you read us one?

RG:    Very well. It might sound familiar.

‘I dreamt I was in Gerard Depardieu’s house. I was there to collect some candles for another part of the dream. His bum was younger than his face. I followed Gerard up the stairs thinking it was quite strange that he lived on my street – I’d never noticed him round the local caf getting milk or anything. He had a nice house – lots of oak panelling. I felt under-dressed for the occasion. I was nude.’

This dream clearly indicates deep-set sociopathic tendencies…

Q:    Wait a minute! You put that in the book? That’s my dream!

 

Raymond has begun to hover a foot in the air whilst tiny rabbits gnaw his body, looking for earwigs made of hard rock candy. Suddenly, he, and the rabbits, are attacked by a hungry pack of Himalayan Griffin Vultures.

“It’s only a bloody dream isn’t it?” says Raymond resignedly, as the vultures peck at his bones.

Gerard Depardieu, fully clothed, undressing you with his eyes.

Bang My Buttocks win bid to re-brand ‘Boring old Olympic Games’

29 Jul

Vin Diesal does the honours in gold dust

 

Esteemed theatre production company Bang My Buttocks have begun preparations for an ambitious project to take place during the Olympic Games. Actor/producer Dave Straddleface spoke at a recent soiree given by socialite Talulah Funnybuns.

“The idea is to train the actors in various Olympic sports and have them actually compete alongside the athletes. In fact, we’re looking into the possibility of replacing all the athletes with actors and really going to town on the musical numbers. Imagine the 100m dash as an extended monologue with high kicks and jazz hands. The Mayor really wants the Olympics to deliver entertainment-wise. Frankly I’m surprised the event has survived as long as it has. I mean, have you seen the costumes from previous years? Rank amateurism.”

Q: What about the pure satisfaction some people are said to derive from enjoying sports for sports sake?

(Both enjoy a hearty laugh)

DS: Very good. But seriously, it’s high time a professional company took this outdated event in hand. I mean, who really cares if someone can run really fast or jump really high? What’s the point of swimming a half second faster than someone from a war torn Eastern European country? But when you add meaningful lyrics, an operatic score and 50 performers juggling fireballs you have something that’ll really knock the world’s socks off. Most people I know only ever watch the opening ceremony, after that it just goes downhill fast…and then someone gets a medal!

Q: Speaking of medals, how do you foresee your company taking that on?

DS: Everyone likes a bit of bling. We’re planning on having a major celebrity ritualistically immolating themselves in the flames of the Olympic Torch…and then rising again from the ashes covered in gold dust. The competitors will then lick the gold off the celebrity, thus ‘ingesting’ their awards.

Q: Won’t the celebrity be harmed in the process?

DS: Apart from having baby soft skin, not at all. It’s all an illusion. We’re powering through the fourth wall and into the future of sport, and it’s a future with baby skinned celebrities and gold dust.

 

The All Singing All Dancing Olympic Games will be hosted by the city of London, 2012.

Rap star’s alter ego develops own alter ego

8 May

Hair reflecting life?

Rap singer Beebop KraZd has just released a sparkling new album (retail copies literally covered in mock Swarofski crystals) under her alter ego’s (a timid librarian called Floozi Malloy, with two foster children and a ‘badass policy on late returns’) alter-ego.

‘Funki Munk’, ‘a toi girl grinding her stuff in the Barbie house’ is said to be Floozi’s (aka Beebop’s) ‘plastic fantasy’.

Q: What led your alter ego to er…develop ‘her’ own alter-ego?

BK/FM/FM: Everyone was doing the alter-ego thing. Beyonce, Niki Minaj, Madlib…I wanted to express myself in a totally original way.

Q: Peeper magazine reported recently that you ‘talk in the voices of your different alter ego’s, sometimes even having arguments and fistfights’?

BK/FM/FM: Damn straight! Dem birches be getting all up in my grill. Funki Munk is always stealing my clothes…(expression changes) oh no you di-unt! You did not jus accuse me of stealing my own clothes! (voice change) now ladies, let’s have some propriety, you know I don’t like loud talkers…(voice change) shut yo mouth bitch!
(Argument becomes increasingly heated until BK/FM/FM pulls out a diamond encrusted bb gun and starts pistol whipping herself)

Manager Lick Flange steps in.

LF: Break it up ladies… (ushers star out) My God, it’s exhausting.

Q:  Do you see any danger of Beebop losing credibility with her fans as a result of outbursts like this?

LF: Oh no. The crazier the better as far as alter-ego’s go. I think its s great way for them to let off steam from all the pressure of being a celeb. You should hear the sort of shit ‘Sasha Fierce’ gets away with. You think it was Eminem who assaulted his ex wife? No, that was ‘Slim Shady’. These days they all have therapists telling them to use these a-e’s as a ‘mask to explore their deepest fantasies’.

Q: These are people who can afford to bathe in a solid gold bathtub full of beluga caviar whilst having naked dwarves hoola hooping and juggling bags of money….?

LF: That stuff’s old news man. Tired and boring. The new thing is airing your psychological laundry in public. That shit never gets old.

Q: What will happen if Beebop’s alter-ego’s alter-ego develops an alter-ego?
(a huge pause)

LF:  That’s some deep shit you’re talking about. But if anyone’s crazy enough to do it…

Beebop KraZd aka Floozi Malloy aka Funki Munk’s new album,”Crank my bitch funk” is out now.


Formaldehyde Fake revealed: Herring keeps twin in basement

14 Mar
Twin incarcerated in basement

The trapdoor leading to Herring's basement prison.

Dermot Herring, whose groundbreaking pieces involved placing a chartered accountant in formaldehyde, has today been found to be a fake.
The true author of his work was revealed this week to be none other than his twin Colin Herring, whom Dermot apparently, ‘kept chained in a basement for the past 15 years’, the same period over which Herring’s star first began to rise in the arts world.

Pale and traumatised from the experience, Colin stated to police and assembled press that, “Dermot threatened to put me in a formaldehyde bath if I didn’t work for him like a slave.”

Dermot’s (or rather, Colin’s) work with people who donated their bodies to the Herring Trust, has become legendary, reputedly earning Dermot a fortune.

“Sometimes he would torture me by forcing me to watch him writhing naked on a bed of gold bullion,” said Colin, speaking from a police safe house.

“When I first suggested the idea of placing different things in formaldehyde, he scoffed in my face, but we did it for a laugh. Next thing I knew, I was locked in the basement…it wasn’t all bad, he let me have satellite TV.”

Dermot has issued the following statement through his lawyer, Jacob Twist (of Bend, Twist and Pullem):

“While my client does not deny incarcerating his twin, he emphatically denies using threats to get him to work. As far as the gold bullion is concerned, that was a present from Sheik Ali Yuksak (for placing his 3rd wife in formaldehyde) and it has no bearing on this matter.”

It is feared that the Herring ‘masterpieces’ will now seriously decrease in value.
“Who is this Colin?” spat Sheik Ali Yuksak. “Dermot I trusted, and now I hear that this Colin, this nobody, handled my 3rd wife’s delicate parts?! Dermot partied with me and JZ on my yacht, he’s like brother to me. A brother who took my gold bullion and did unspeakable things with it.”

While the case continues, buyers of Herring art are reportedly trying to offload their pieces as fast as possible. An insider at Sotheby’s told us, “People are finding it difficult to sell these pieces. ‘A minor civic servant,’ once valued at £3 million, sold yesterday for £2.50, and the owner was grateful to get that price. After all, it’s hardly as if the local council will take it away with the recycling.”