Tag Archives: eastenders

Eminent scholar with silly voice uses voice double

22 May

Professor Wipladle and his voice double Trannical Korset – the awkward moment after the speech.

Pluto Wipladle, an eminent scholar known for his work on the development of the outer lower medulla (but only on the right hand side) has complained of experiencing prejudicial reactions to his high, nasal voice.
Speaking through his voice double (who enjoys a rich, deep baritone) he spoke of the heartbreak he experienced when he tried to deliver his own paper at a recent conference.

PW through double:  I’ve spent 18 years studying the brain. I’ve been in line for the Nobel prize several times, and yet I was laughed off the stage.

(Hardened journalists begin to weep)

PWTD: You see? Just because this guy has an amazing range and vocal delivery you’re taking me more seriously. I can say without vanity that I’m probably the smartest guy you’ll ever have the good fortune to meet, yet I’ll always be laughed at and ridiculed the minute I speak with my own voice.

(One journalist, overcome with the pathos of moment, faints, and has to be carried out. Prof Wipladle is visibly incensed)

PWTD:  Look at him, (points at double) what has he got besides great hair and a voice like melted chocolate?

(Voice double shakes his head. A muttered argument ensues. A terrible whistling, shrieking noise issues from Prof. Wipladle’s mouth.)

PW:  I can’t believe it. What a diva! Am I right?

(All the journalists begin to lose interest and start leaving)

No wait, I’ve got so much to give! Where are you going? I just want to be loved!

(Someone hurls their notepad at him in disgust).

Journalist revolt at the sound of Wipladle’s whiny voice

Avant garde artist produces exhibition of ‘decent landscapes’

25 Jan

Zig's latest work, "The Cruel Fate Which Awaits"

“I was tired of doing stuff that no-one ‘got’,” said artist Zig. Recently split from his business partner Zag, Zig’s foray into classical landscape art has shocked critics and fans of his work alike.

Zig’s mum, present at the exhibition, described the work as, “Better than the time he cut off his cock and danced around with it.”

His Aunty Maud, also in attendance, said, “I think it’s very nice.” Although it turned out later she thought we were referring to the latest episode of Eastenders.

As yet critics have had a guarded response. “What does it mean?” said Bob Beerly from The GridIron. “I mean, is it an ironic response to society’s expectations? Is he making a comment on the fact that there is no such thing as the avant garde anymore?

“I think he’s a visionary,” says gallery owner Raquel Gruezenberg. “He’s clearly alluding to the fact that the pedestrian, the dull, the bland have now become avant garde as society becomes inured to shock tactics.”

Socialite Beedee Brock said, “Everyone’s waiting to see what the right interpretation will turn out to be. He’s either a genius or a no-talent ponce.”

“He’s a ponce,” said Zag.

The Landscapes of My Youth, an Exhibition by Zig can be seen at the Obvious gallery in Chelsea.

“Who is that Man and What does he Want from Me?”