Tag Archives: literature

Eminent scholar with silly voice uses voice double

22 May

Professor Wipladle and his voice double Trannical Korset – the awkward moment after the speech.

Pluto Wipladle, an eminent scholar known for his work on the development of the outer lower medulla (but only on the right hand side) has complained of experiencing prejudicial reactions to his high, nasal voice.
Speaking through his voice double (who enjoys a rich, deep baritone) he spoke of the heartbreak he experienced when he tried to deliver his own paper at a recent conference.

PW through double:  I’ve spent 18 years studying the brain. I’ve been in line for the Nobel prize several times, and yet I was laughed off the stage.

(Hardened journalists begin to weep)

PWTD: You see? Just because this guy has an amazing range and vocal delivery you’re taking me more seriously. I can say without vanity that I’m probably the smartest guy you’ll ever have the good fortune to meet, yet I’ll always be laughed at and ridiculed the minute I speak with my own voice.

(One journalist, overcome with the pathos of moment, faints, and has to be carried out. Prof Wipladle is visibly incensed)

PWTD:  Look at him, (points at double) what has he got besides great hair and a voice like melted chocolate?

(Voice double shakes his head. A muttered argument ensues. A terrible whistling, shrieking noise issues from Prof. Wipladle’s mouth.)

PW:  I can’t believe it. What a diva! Am I right?

(All the journalists begin to lose interest and start leaving)

No wait, I’ve got so much to give! Where are you going? I just want to be loved!

(Someone hurls their notepad at him in disgust).

Journalist revolt at the sound of Wipladle’s whiny voice

Viggo Mortenson: poet, lover, quiche eater

6 Mar

Viggo likes to be one with the natural world.

Viggo Mortenson, star of Stubbly Elf-botherer, Naked Man at the Russian Bath, Ex-Mobster Shoots Man in Diner, and more, has ‘come out’ as a writer of poetry.
“The prospect of having someone of Viggo’s profile as an ambassador for our art-form is very heartening,” said Rodney Blatchweaver‘s mum Muriel. “Now maybe more people will take Rodney seriously.”
With poems like Ennui* it seems that Viggo is set to take the arts world by storm.

Ennui*

Stare into the mirror
Who am I?
Diner Guy?
An Elf lover?
A naked wrestler?
These questions haunt me
As I stare into my beautiful eyes
And run my hands through my
Thick, lustrous hair –
Consolation.

“If there was an Oscar for poetry, Viggo should get one. Now, when I tell people I’m a poet, they no longer laugh in my face. Thank you Viggo!” said Rachel Bucktoof.

We asked Poet Laureate Inigo Yelp to comment on Viggo’s longterm influence on the form.

IY:    Who is he?
Q:    . …! A world-famous movie star.
IY:   What’s he been in?
(We explain)
IY:   Naked wrestling, eh? I’ll have to take a look at that. What was the question?
(We explain)
IY:  You should be writing about Rodney Blatchweaver. That young up-and-comer is making waves in this town. He’s going to put poetry on the map. What was the question?
Q:      ……..?!
(We explain)
IY:   Hmm that’s a tough one. What’s his work like?
Q:     Powerfully understated and tinged with a melancholic awareness of man’s fleeting mortality.
IY:  Give us one then.

Q:   (Reciting from Viggo’s book Blasphemy of the Soul🙂

Why?

Why must I lie?
I should be in nature
One with the sparrows
Instead of pretending to kick
Some guy’s ass nine ways to Sunday
Pretending to psycho-analyse beautiful women
Pretending to not be upset when I don’t get nominated.
Irony cuts deep
Like that time I went fishing.
The honest trout
Has no silver tongue
His scales help him to swim faster
Not get women to sleep with him.
He. Is. No. Liar.

(A long silence ensues)
Q:    I’m probably not putting the depth of feeling into it that Viggo does.

(The silence continues)

IY:  I’m speechless.

Formaldehyde Fake revealed: Herring keeps twin in basement

14 Mar
Twin incarcerated in basement

The trapdoor leading to Herring's basement prison.

Dermot Herring, whose groundbreaking pieces involved placing a chartered accountant in formaldehyde, has today been found to be a fake.
The true author of his work was revealed this week to be none other than his twin Colin Herring, whom Dermot apparently, ‘kept chained in a basement for the past 15 years’, the same period over which Herring’s star first began to rise in the arts world.

Pale and traumatised from the experience, Colin stated to police and assembled press that, “Dermot threatened to put me in a formaldehyde bath if I didn’t work for him like a slave.”

Dermot’s (or rather, Colin’s) work with people who donated their bodies to the Herring Trust, has become legendary, reputedly earning Dermot a fortune.

“Sometimes he would torture me by forcing me to watch him writhing naked on a bed of gold bullion,” said Colin, speaking from a police safe house.

“When I first suggested the idea of placing different things in formaldehyde, he scoffed in my face, but we did it for a laugh. Next thing I knew, I was locked in the basement…it wasn’t all bad, he let me have satellite TV.”

Dermot has issued the following statement through his lawyer, Jacob Twist (of Bend, Twist and Pullem):

“While my client does not deny incarcerating his twin, he emphatically denies using threats to get him to work. As far as the gold bullion is concerned, that was a present from Sheik Ali Yuksak (for placing his 3rd wife in formaldehyde) and it has no bearing on this matter.”

It is feared that the Herring ‘masterpieces’ will now seriously decrease in value.
“Who is this Colin?” spat Sheik Ali Yuksak. “Dermot I trusted, and now I hear that this Colin, this nobody, handled my 3rd wife’s delicate parts?! Dermot partied with me and JZ on my yacht, he’s like brother to me. A brother who took my gold bullion and did unspeakable things with it.”

While the case continues, buyers of Herring art are reportedly trying to offload their pieces as fast as possible. An insider at Sotheby’s told us, “People are finding it difficult to sell these pieces. ‘A minor civic servant,’ once valued at £3 million, sold yesterday for £2.50, and the owner was grateful to get that price. After all, it’s hardly as if the local council will take it away with the recycling.”

Lovliballs Writers: Tell All? Are rumours of infidelity and deviance unfounded?

14 Feb
Book with It was shaped like a question mark title

Jennifer Keunt's It was shaped like a question mark - at all good bookshops

 

Writers Jennifer and Tristram Loveliballs’ acrimonious divorce has long had the press frothing at the mouth in response to wild rumours of key parties, dodgy salsa intrigues and cabana boy lovers.
Now both authors have reportedly written their version in thinly veiled fictional accounts. Far from clearing the air, the writer’s refusal to admit to any biographical content has only served to muddy the waters even more.
We spoke to the agent representing the two authors, Basil Baldworth.

Q: Isn’t your continuing to represent both parties a conflict of interests?

BB: Not at all. I’ve known Jen and Tris for years. I was at their son’s Barmitzvah. Besides, they both know my first loyalty is to the agency.

(Gives shark-like grin)

Q: How would you describe your client’s latest works?

BB: Both Lovliballs… (pauses while assistant whispers something to him) sorry, Ms. Keunt wishes to be known by her maiden name from now on. Both clients have written searing work(s) of emotional honesty.

Q: Emotional honesty? Is there any truth to the rumours that these accounts are stark representations of their marriage?

BB: I would be a terrible agent if I either confirmed or denied that. I will say that, like all writers, they drew inspiration from their own lives…

Q: Like the part where ‘Blistram’ is caught by ‘Juniper’ in a three-way with two doctoral students and their son’s Norwegian au pair?

BB: (Spreads hands eloquently)

Q: Or when ‘Blistram’ reads ‘Juniper’s’ emails and discovers that he is not the father of their son, and that, in fact, ‘Juniper’s’ agent ‘Harry Hairworthy’ is the boy’s true father?

BB: What? Where did you…?!

Q: Advance copies of Tristram’s book were sent out to the press by his new agent Jerry Mills of Mills, Boone and Crumble.

Unfortunately, Mr Baldworth was unavailable for further comment.

 

Oh The Lies by Tristram Lovliballs and It was Shaped like a Question Mark by Jennifer Keunt are out in bookshops and online from Monday.

Poet Rodney Blatchweaver on street sweepers and prostitutes

23 Jan
beat poet

Tortured recluse

We spoke to poet Rodney Blatchweaver, a writer who describes himself as “leading the tortured existence of a recluse who unfortunately is too popular to enjoy a sheltered life.”

Q: Tell us what drives you as an artist.

RB: I love that question.

Q: (After a minute or two) is that your answer?

RB: Is that your question?

Q: Is THAT your answer?

RB: That’s up to you.

Q: Thank you.

RB: Don’t mention it. The point is not to apply your own meanings to your work, after all, poetry is subjective and meaningless beyond what the reader applies. I often ask street sweepers and prostitutes to read my work so that they can reveal to me what the true meaning of the piece is.

Q: Have you ever performed your work?

RB: No, I’m rubbish at reading.

Q: What did your new work Barracuda Phosphorous* mean?

*Barracuda phosphorous

Jim jam baloney

Tastes like that new flavour of marmite

RB: According to bricklayer Tom Ludd it was, (making quote marks) “shit.”

Q: How do you respond to that?

RB: He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Rodney’s numerous publications include Bravo the Heimlich manoeuvre, Eyebrow Catastrophe, Holding Only One Ball, Things I Imagined while Sleeping with You.