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THE MYSTERY OF NAPOLEON’S JEWELS

11 Jan

(Ep. 1 of the ‘Dammit Jane’ series)

statuette-figurine-buste-napoleon-main-dans-le-d

DETECTIVE LARRY ‘COP ON THE EDGE’ COTE (COTE): Dammit Jane! I must have missed something.

JANE: Have you looked through all the evidence?

COTE: Dammit Jane! Of course I have.

JANE: Even the balled up papers on your desk?

COTE: YES.

JANE: The old restaurant receipts? The hollowed out statuettes? That thing stuck to the bottom of your shoe?

COTE: YES, dammit, YES! [Breathes out heavily through his nose] Wait.

JANE: I told you that statuette was suspiciously light.

COTE: Dammit Jane! But the butler swore it was a gift from his mother…JANE! I’ve been such a fool.

JANE: Well…check it first.

[COTE Smashes statuette against the wall. A bag of diamonds falls at his feet]

COTE: I FOUND THE DUCHESS’ DIAMONDS JANE! JANE! I FOUND THEM!

JANE: So, will that be ham and cheese or a BLT for lunch?

COTE: Dammit Jane… you know I don’t eat ham!!

FIN

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Mental Mutilation booed off the stage

30 Jan

Allana Muddlepooly's controversial demo cover

Country folk singer Allana Muddlepooly disappointed the crowd of death metal fans in attendance at her latest gig.

The fans blamed the singer for ‘false advertising,’ and ‘misleading them with an inappropriate name.’

“I would have understood if it had been World music,” said one irate patron, “But not this Anais Mitchell shit.”

As the singer retired after being pelted with gimp masks and nipple rings, she was shaken and in shock.

“It started out as a spelling mistake. Originally I was calling myself Gentle Mystification, but after accidentally ordering 300 copies of the demo with Mental Mutilation on them I decided to go with it.”

The artist is currently recording at her studio in the Cotswolds.

“The good thing is that this traumatic experience has given me plenty of inspiration for my next album. It will be full of the same soul searching and tear drenched lyrics about my cat, Puffball.”

Mental Mutilation’s next album, I love my Pussy, will be released in September from Ailing Cod records.